what motivates you?

I have been working on this job application for the past three weeks now and I have been having the hardest time focusing on it. It's for a job that would be so perfect for me because it's in Brazil and I would be putting my expensive degree to good use! But every time I go to work on it, I get distracted and a lot of mental blocks prevent me from answering the lengthy application. I am not a huge fan of talking or writing about myself...I have not gained the self-confidence to speak about myself so positively and that is why I believe I am struggling to answer these tough questions about my leadership abilities and communication style and so on. I know I will be capable of doing this job but all my self-doubt and worries flood my brain and I just end up feeling frustrated and stressed about myself. I seriously have a list of self-improvement characteristics/qualities somewhere in a word document. I feel this tremendous need to read a million self-help books before I can finish this application. Alas, I don't have time for that but I'm hoping to bring some clarity into my mind by blogging about it.

So this is my solution to combat these negative thoughts--figuring out what motivates me so that I can encourage myself to keep going despite the mental blocks:


What motivates you?
1) My love for Brazil and Portuguese. Learning Portuguese was my academic passion while I was in college. I will be so disheartened if I ever lose this amazing ability. I love speaking this beautiful language too much to let it go without a fight. I would love to be able to use it during my job! Hell, I even find a way to use it now by speaking to total strangers I see on the streets of New York!

2) My family. I love my family to pieces. I have been building stronger relationships with my family ever since I've been back home. I also realized that I am so similar to my mom...I never noticed that before. We are both strong, independent women. I draw my strength from my mom. I hope I will be able to share this with her one day.

3) My commitment to service. I want to contribute what I can to serve others. I am committed to social change, community empowerment and environmental sustainability. I have been blessed in so many ways and I want to give back to my community and the international community. I haven't volunteered in a while and once I get my life schedule back on track, I will definitely incorporate that into my life.

4) My adoration for traveling. There is something so magical about traveling to a new place. Everyone experiences locations differently. What makes traveling so exciting to me are the people that you spend your time with, new people that you meet and the impressive locales. Mostly, I remember the people and the scenery. I am dying to soak in some sunlight and walk around nature!!

5) My loving friends. My best friends are my anchors--they keep me grounded and sane! Sometimes I feel like they understand me better than I do. They motivate me to be a better friend. Their inspiring stories motivate me to take action. And their love helps me grow. I almost want to say I first learned love from my friends...but then again, nothing is stronger than maternal love.

And my best friends know who they are, I'll always be there for them.

and ultimately, (6) I am motivated to be a better person each and every day. That's why I'm so obsessed with self-help...I'm always striving to be a better version of me.

dear younger self,

Dear younger self,

I wish you'd realized earlier on that you should stop fretting over the small things in life. Go out and have fun more often. Say irrational things and then laugh at yourself for thinking it in the first place. Dare to say "you're so beautiful" when someone sneezes. Let your hair down and don't be afraid to look so feminine. Or sexy. Show some cleavage every now and then--you know you got it! Admit that you don't read the New York Times every day and the fact that you have no idea where Comoros is located. Admit that you don't know old rock bands from the 60s, 70s, or the 80s...except for Queen. Bohemian Rhapsody is the shit! And admit that you love watching hours of mindless t.v. even though you know it is a gigantic waste of time. You cannot please everyone. You have to defend your own boundaries. Speaking Portuguese makes you feel alive, so invest more time into studying it. Speaking Chinese makes you feel like shit--cos you can't speak it so well...so start speaking more with your family! Don't compare yourself to others--it will only depress you even more. 

Love yourself more. Trust your instincts, they know a thing or two when you have disobeyed in the past. Love yourself even more, despite your shortcomings and mistakes; you are human. Use your time wisely, even though we both know how you like to spend it on trivial things. Focus more on your goals. Don't lose sight of them because it's easy for you to convince yourself out of things that are good for you. Your nonsensical rationale never ceases to amaze me. This is why you need to build up stronger self-discipline.

People will enter your life. People will leave it. You cannot be friends with everyone and not everyone will want to be friends with you...it's one of those facts of life. The people who stay in your life are the ones who matter. And the ones who leave, just wish the best for them in their life endeavors and hope one day your paths may cross again.  Time heals if you let it. Forgive yourself for lost friendships. Forgive yourself for lost loves. 

Don't give up on love, even though you may become a cynic. Everything happens for a reason and love will come with time. Learn to love yourself first, and the rest will follow. Learn to trust yourself and the universe will guide you. Love your life and your body because this is the one you were blessed with. 

Keep writing and documenting your life--you know your memory will fade, but these words will stay. And when you read them again, they will breathe energy back into you. 

Love more and live presently. 

Love,

Christina