The Role of the Caretaker

Lisa, one of my best friends from high school made an insightful observation about me and the role I play in my friendships. I’m constantly the caretaker in many of the good friendships that I have. I’m always making sure that I’m taking caring of them in some way. Usually, it’s just listening and helping them sort out problems and offering advice. And really, that’s what everyone needs. I do it so often that I forget that I too, need somebody like that in my life. Everyone wants to be heard and when they need to talk, my phone is ringing. I’m surprised—still in this day and age, I talk on the phone for several hours a week. When I did a brief informal survey earlier this year, I simply asked people, “how often do you have conversations on the phone?”  The most common answer was once a week, at the most. Everyone texts now. I would say I'm on the phone 3-4 times a week. But now that I have a smartphone, I’ve become a texter. (oops)

I enjoy listening because I see it as a learning opportunity to hear the problem and help find a solution. And I also enjoy asking questions. It’s a good way for me to understand the person and it also helps the speaker explain the situation. For my own fun, I challenge myself to think of really good questions—and those questions are the ones that help give way to the solutions/realizations.

I think one of the biggest reasons why I’ve become so frustrated in one of my closest friendships is because I’m not getting a chance to be heard or the opportunity to fully express myself. He shuts me down, doesn’t respond and is not a good communicator. I wonder to myself, how can somebody be so close to me and not yet understand how I think? Maybe he never really knew me so well in the first place because he’s not mature enough to know that friendships are about people, not material things.

Another point I wanted to make is that since I’m always taking care of other people, I don’t give others the chance to help me grow and better understand myself. I'm so used to being reflective and self-observant that I can be blind-sighted to other tendencies. When it comes to self-growth, I’m the first one to write the letter to myself and brace myself for the “breakthrough realization” but it is usually self-induced, not provided through constructive criticism. I really do try hard to improve myself because I am my own worst critic. I have so many self-improvement projects going on, it’s overwhelming. This is where a lot of my self-imposed stress comes from. I am so hell-bent on being the best version of me possible—this includes, but is not limited to: having a successful career, being healthy and fit, doing service work, managing my dreams and expectations of myself and having an active social life. I’m striving for this mirage of perfection that will always be a mirage. And I honestly never realized I was striving for perfection till this year. The idea of perfection is different for everyone and this was the year I figured out my definition of perfection. It is: I am a  healthy and fit woman, who is diligently working for a nonprofit, who goes to social events after work and volunteers on the weekend. She works out at the gym every day before work. At her job, she's the go-to gal for outreach and is bringing in all the good stories. In the social scene, she's the one that brings people together and plans the best mixers to blend in all the right people. On the weekends, she is either volunteering or going for hikes in upstate New York. This all sounds so attainable, but it's not, due to various constraints. It's mostly a lifestyle issue. I'll still work towards this goal and I understand that it doesn't have to happen all at once. 

While I really do enjoy helping my friends, I need to find a balance of listening and talking more. It’s okay for me to be selfish. And it’s okay for me to say “no, I can’t handle your emotional drama. ” For the first time, I have to put me first. 

The Art of Worrying

I've perfected the Art of Worrying. Better yet, I've inherited it from my mother.

Every time I think to myself, Stop worrying and live in the present. And as grateful as I am for what I have, I cannot stop fretting over a) being worried about something that has not happened; b) being worried about something that can possibly happen; c) being worried about something that may possibly happen; d) stressed over something that I can control; or e) stressed over something that I cannot control. (I stress out a lot about uncontrollable things...!)

From those statements above, I can conclude that: I worry a lot and as a result, get stressed often. For. No.Good. Reason.At.All. It's all in my head...I'm a bit neurotic, no? After 23 years, I still haven't grasped the concept of "Don't worry, be happy!" When I do momentarily get out of this mindset, it creeps back up on me. I'm what you call an obsessive worrier, or in positive terms, I've mastered the Art of Worrying.

When I'm calm and not stressed--I feel like something's wrong because I'm not stressed. Is this symptomatic of a work-a-holic? Or quite possibly a worry-holic? Like my mother, I fuss over the smallest things and just get really frustrated when things don't happen the way I'd like them to happen. I'm realizing that's something I must get use to because hey, that's life. The unexpected is all part of the mysteries of life. And you may not find out why things happen the way they do or the lessons you ought to learn from them until days, weeks, months or even years later. And this is where the magic ingredient of patience comes in. Being patient with life's twists and turns can help you understand the lessons and see the bigger picture.

So yes, I'm a worry-holic, but that's probably because I'm so impatient to see how my life will turn out. I'm starting to think that patience is the remedy for all this worrying.

Do it.

Motivation to keep me going because it seems like I want to give up every day. 

Little Talks

Do you ever have those little pep talks with yourself? "You can do it if you put your mind to it!" or "Don't worry about what others think, just do it for yourself. Don't be afraid to stand out!"

I have them whenever I feel insecure, out of place...or whenever I feel like giving up on a tough project. I mostly do it to drown out the negative thoughts that overwhelm me. I find that whenever I get into a place of negativity, the negative vibes somehow find a way to manifest itself. And I definitely do not want that. So while these little pep talks sound absurd as I'm writing them down...they're helpful. They remind me to stand my own ground.

I was put to the test last night at an opening launch party for this woman's clothing brand. I was there to help film/take photos of the launch event on behalf of my organization. This brand is fairly high-end and provides tailored suits, pants, dresses, and jackets for women. There were some beautiful, vintage-like clothes that I really admired. The woman who launched this company used to be a stylist at Vogue--and she herself was very elegant, beautiful and sophisticated. She looked like Kate Middleton, but with softer features and freckles sprinkled over her cheeks and across her nose. One day in the future when I'm an accomplished businesswoman, I'd love to have her design a dress for me.

For now, all I could do is awkward stand around, taking photos of the waspy clientele that attended her opening launch party. I was probably younger than everyone in the room by at least 5 years (when you're in your 20s, a five year difference is still quite a bit. Think about it--in 5 years, I'll be 28!!). One woman even asked what I was doing at the event, probably because of the DSLR camera hanging off my neck--but the way in which she said it was very condescending and it bothered me quite a bit. So what's going on in my mind? What am I doing here? How do I represent myself as a professional, on behalf of The Story Exchange? I'm a nobody!!!! Well, this self-defeating talk was making me want to crawl in a corner and hide. I had to stand my ground--and so I gave myself a little pep talk. And every time I heard the old voice telling me that I didn't belong and just holding me back, I'd tune it out. I even gave myself a challenge of meeting 3 new people in the room (which I did)! But at the end of the night, it was a good challenge for me because it forced me to network and get to know a few new people. I needed to step out of my shell. And of course, I did what I do best, ask others questions. In this kind of environment, when I feel like the tiny ant in a room full of bears, it's hard for me to feel worthy (probably self-esteem issues) so I need an extra pep in my little talks to muster up the courage to approach someone and start a conversation.

While most people enjoy talking about themselves, I prefer asking questions. And someone once said to me, "You like asking questions because you like being in control." Well, that may be partially true. But mostly, I'm curious as to how others see the world and live this thing we all call life. I love asking questions--everything from phrasing to assessing how people answer it. I even ask myself the question to see how I'd answer it. For me, it's all about learning about others and myself.

Anyway, this topic is on my mind because of this song I've been playing on repeat called Little Talks by Of Monsters & Men. Great song, I'd recommend it.

Some days I feel like I am wrong and I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

beginnings and endings.

When I first saw this photo, I thought, "This is so me."

Perhaps before I discuss finishing things, I'd like to have a conversation about beginnings.

Beginnings are my favorite part of the project. I LOVE to start things. That sensation of starting something new, being able to mold it any which way and actually having a say in the foundation of its creation. Writing those first concrete words down. Or learning those first steps in a dance. I think with confidence, "I'm going to do this!" (and then in parenthesis I think I hope I finish.)

Going to a new school. The start of a new semester. The feeling of "I'm not so sure what I'm getting myself into." The beginning of a new relationship with a project, or even with a somebody (who could be) special. Beginnings are the best because the idealized version will always be the best version.

Beginnings are also my favorite part in life because there's all that hope, anticipation to see how things will turn out and where it will lead you.

But just as sure there is a beginning, there is always an end. Endings are good too but they don't have the same thrilling sensation as beginnings have. Endings mean transitions and closings. Maybe that's why I have trouble finishing projects--I have trouble with closure and leaving--so why finish at all? I guess the biggest thing I have to accept is that in order to move on, I must finish one chapter, tie up all the loose ends (if possible) and embrace myself for a new beginning. And that's something I can look forward to. 

Habits Become Your Lifestyle

Today I realized that if I keep doing what I’m doing, I’m not going to end up where I want to be in life.

And that's disappointing. 

I keep thinking, even though I don't love my job, it'll be the platform that I can leverage to get where I want to be. But I have to work on figuring out my end point--as in, where do I want to be 10 years from now? Even if I could just decide where I want to be 5 years from now, that would be enough to keep me focused. This is something I should think about often (which I do...it actually consumes my mind), but not only simply think about it, but actually take action. If I want to be an expert on Brazil and U.S. bilateral relations, it's not going to happen overnight, I must read the news and articles daily. It's a habit I must develop. It's a lifestyle I have to adopt. The question is, what are the habits that I want to incorporate into my life? Which are the ones I am committed to practicing daily?  

For me, these are hard things to pinpoint because I'm in this stage of my life where I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the very first time. I've been working on being assertive and figuring out what it is I like and don't like. What do I think about certain social and political issues? What really steams my buns? And what really makes me smile and happy. I'm like a baby discovering her own body for the first time. 

I'm the kind of person that allows life to take its course. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And sometimes, I do feel behind in my peers who may have already received their Master's degrees or have taken their GMATs or GREs. But I'm going down my own route...and I'm really excited to see where it takes me. Of course, I still work actively to make things happen, but not everything goes accordingly 100 percent of the time (re: State Department job, Maine job, PiLA and a whole slew of other opportunities that I didn't get). I get rejected. I don't get job offers. And it's not the end of the world. There are days where I feel extreme pressure to achieve--whether it be get a well-paying job and earn that fancy title or doing service work in developing countries to service marginalized communities. I need to appreciate my time now. It's like I'm my own personal detective and the world is my investigation site; follow the signs, stay strong and carry on. 

The thing to remember is, as a wise friend told me (L Redfield!), in life, you can't stay complacent. Once you're complacent, you're settling and no longer striving for more. You know that song that goes, "I'm sexy and I know it," this is how I change the lyrics in my head, "I'm ambitious and I know it." I'm not a sexy person, but I'm indeed ambitious as hell, just like my dad. 

This is my "take action" quotation: 

Small changes repeated often become habits. Change your habits, change your life. Start small, don’t give up, & be the difference.

4 teeth lighter and a whole lotta pain later

Day 2: Very Swollen 

I got all four of my wisdom teeth extracted this Tuesday. My cocky surgeon kept reiterating, "oh you'll thank me for this in the long run" and "It'll be painful in the next few days, but in the long run, you'll appreciate this advice." Then he'd flash his Mr. Know-it-all smirk. Can you tell I'm not a big fan of him? But I hope his confident self is right.

Honestly, I was experiencing no pain from my wisdom teeth. My original dentist suggested that I get them extracted because they were growing in (I didn't even feel any pain but 3 of them had already been impacted and I only had the upper right wisdom tooth to grow out). The next thing I know, I'm laying down with this surgeon's hands in my mouth, plucking out my wisdom teeth and sewing in stitches that will dissolve in approximately a month . I really only needed to get 2 extracted (they were growing in sideways), but according to the oral surgeon, I should just get it over with now and extract them all. So I did. And now I'm in the land of the pain and hungry. Last night, I sneezed, very unexpectedly (I mean, all sneezing happens spontaneously, but I hadn't sneezed in like 2 days) and experienced the worst and most painful sneeze of my life. My salvia flew everywhere and my mouth was throbbing. Things we take for granted. So in that breath, I'd like to write a short list of things I've taken for granted when I experienced no oral pains and lessons I've learned since my surgery.

1) As I mentioned earlier, sneezing. Sneezing is such a natural and uncontrollable action that I had never thought twice about. It sure is mighty painful when you are recovering from oral surgery. So try to avoid sneezing.

2) You feel tension in your jaws. I find myself wiggling my jaws around to loosen the tension but it's pretty tight in that area.

3) Drool with a hint of blood. The first two days, I had a hard time keeping my mouth closed so when I woke up, I had drool mixed in with blood smeared on my face--yes very unpleasant, especially when you look in the mirror first thing in the morning. I looked like a vampire.

4) I was eating congee one night and couldn't chew this fleshy thing in my mouth so I took it out--I thought it was a piece of meat my mom put in the congee...but it wasn't. It was my gum flesh. I definitely freaked out.

5) I am so hungry. All the time. Randy talks about food. Constantly. How he's eating Korean food tomorrow, all the snacks he's had between lunch and dinner...then his post-dinner meals. Then he proceeds to talk about the next 15 meals he'll have over the weekend. It makes me so hungry. When I see people chewing and eating...my mouth is salivating. I have taken my lovely teeth for granted for so long. Which brings me to...

6) I miss chewing, biting, crunching--anything that works that grinding sensation in your mouth. My teeth are itching to chew and bite. It could be from the pain or general numbness of my mouth, but they're really itching to bite. And every time I try to bite into something--bananas, dragon fruits or any fruit, my teeth cannot sustain that pressure. So I've given up trying to chew. Plus, the front teeth are not good grinders! Also, since my cheeks are swollen, I can only open my mouth half the original size, which is frustrating since I'm not used to eating like a goldfish.


Because of these new (temporary) restrictions, I have such a newfound respect and gratitude for what my mouth and teeth can do.

I'm so excited to be able to eat solid foods again. I've been eating yogurt for breakfast, smoothies, congee and soup. I feel like an infant with no teeth...wait, we're pretty much on par.

It's time to disconnect. Just for a month...

I've been a Facebook user since 2007. That means I've been using Facebook daily, for the past five years. And for the first time ever, I'm going on a Facebook hiatus. I'm disconnecting. I realized that Facebook has become such a routine in my life...like going out for a jog, brushing my teeth and then checking Facebook, as if it were a necessity. I won't say that I was addicted to using Facebook...but my...habit became especially apparent ever since I've started my social media job. I realized how important and powerful social media is and became so preoccupied with how my Facebook represented me and who I am. So I blocked my tagged photos to gain a higher level of privacy and only gave access to my closest friends. Then I stopped uploading photos because I just didn't want people to know what I was up to. I even thought of completely blocking my albums, but decided that was too brash for my friends who wanted to take a trip down memory lane via my photos.


Because of my job, I am always on social media, thus constantly checking my notifications or private messages. Ok, now I'll admit... I was addicted. Those red notification boxes became a hit of high...private messages were double hits. And ever since my trip to Tucson, my social life has become very active. It was just what I wanted and in retrospect, it was what I needed to pull me out of my slump. But it became too active. I would say that from January to March, I was a bit of a recluse and spent a lot of time alone. And from April till now, I've been a social butterfly. After my trip to Maine, I realized I needed to do more solo trips. I missed my alone time. I was so obsessed with my summer of fun and socializing that I had completely shafted my alone time. I need time to write (like now) and do things I want to do. I've been putting a higher value on social interactions and leveraging these social engagements as opportunities to learn from others and build relationships. But in doing so, I lost myself. I'm exhausted from putting others first. I would go out and party even though all I really wanted to do is go and write or read in the comfort of my room. Or just hang out with my family. Just because I'm young and live in the city that never sleeps doesn't mean I need to live such a wild- child-NYC-adult-life and have a million friends. In fact, I have enough amazing and wonderful friends. The real question is: do I need excess people in my life who may or may not add value?

So as I was looking through photos from my weekend, I looked at myself in these photos and couldn't even recognize myself. Who was this girl that looked like me and smiled like me? I felt so disingenuous and couldn't stand it. That's when I decided to deactivate. I know my month-long Facebook hiatus probably won't mean much in the bigger scheme of things...but so far, it's been a relief to not check Facebook daily. Maybe this will even extend beyond this arbitrary month-long time period.

hypocritical brain

I noticed that all the things that I don't like about other people, I sometimes catch myself doing the same things or behaving in the same ways. And because I'm doing it--it's okay, because it's an exception. Then I catch myself doing it again...and I excuse myself another time. It's such a judgmental and hypocritical mentality. For example, I hate it when people are late, and I'm not exactly the most punctual person. So I would show up 5-10 minutes late and that's okay because I really needed those extra minutes. But when a friend is late, I get so irritated. I think, How could they be so inconsiderate of my time? Or I hate it when people gossip, and when I catch myself gossiping, I feel like such a douchebag.

This dissonance is very frustrating. I think back to a lecture that Sophie's mom gave while I was in Tucson about judgements. Judgements are ungrounded statements and assumptions that you make about others. They come from experiences and exposure to various environments. Judgements actually come from your own evaluation of yourself. So for example, I am not satisfied with my body and it's one of my biggest insecurities: how I look. And so naturally, the first thing I judge when I look at someone, especially a girl, is her body. Is she fat? Is she skinny? Is she muscular? How is she dressed? and the list can go on. It's easy to pick at other people's body flaws. And in some ways, it can even make you feel better about yourself. But honestly, what is the point? I'm evaluating her because I can't pick at myself all the time--that's really unfair. It's a very bad habit and ever since I've identified it, whenever I catch myself doing this evaluation, I stop. I simply stop. It's not fair for me to judge her personality based on how she dresses or takes care of her body. It's her prerogative. My judgements of her are more of a reflection about me and how I perceive her. In someone else's eyes, she could be perfect.

So, how do you stop yourself from judging others?

i'm with you.

Avril Lavigne used to be one of my favorite singers when I was 12 years old. My favorite album is her very first, "Let Go". "Things I'll Never Say" and "I'm With You" were my two favorite songs on the album. So when I saw this at the MoMA, I just had to take a photo of it. No, this isn't a photo of a photo...the words were lit up and mounted on the window. I just loved this photo because of the juxtaposition of the light from the words and the drab concrete of the building behind it. I feel like I would see this on pinterest somewhere...

oh this is DSD #7: Go to the MoMA spontaneously. but seriously, I've lost count of how many DSD I've done. I've just been enjoying life and not really keeping track. It's been pretty busy with all these goals I set for myself. Like this week, I'm going to watch the Australian Ballet tomorrow, drinks with Brazilian friend I met last week, dinner date with Midd kid on Wednesday, NY Cares Volunteer Orientation on Thursday and girl's night out with Jung Mi and Liz on Friday! My whole week is packed and I don't even have time to go to the gym unless I go early in the morning. It's great being busy, busy! 

A year in Review

I've been wanting to write this post for some time now and I'm finally getting around to it now! It has been a little over a year since I've graduated from college. I remember all those nights I'd stayed up wondering "where will I be a year from now?" I remember telling everyone I could not see where I'd be a year from now. And here I am, a year older, slightly less naive and still as ambitious as ever.

A year ago today, I would have been talking to Brenna on the phone, planning for our big project in Brazil. It was still slight inconceivable that we'd received 3 grants from Midd to carry out our project. But after months of grant writing and reaching out to NGOs, we'd somehow managed to put together this amazing project.

Late June-August: Implementing The World Through Youth's Eyes. It was all an incredibly humbling experience. I'm not going to lie, it was hard and I often time didn't live enough in the present to enjoy it because I was so concerned about what I was going to do after the project, when I'd returned home and Brenna would finish her last semester at Midd. I regret not appreciating that time more. Towards the end, I was able to live more fully and push aside all those fears and concerns. I also learned what a huge challenge it is to work with kids...especially in another language!

September-December: September was a hard month. It was spent writing CVs and applying to jobs. and never hearing back...not even a "No thank you". Lisa was also in a similar rut, waiting to hear the final confirmation for her job. We took up jobs at a startup retail fashion store called CWonder. It felt good to be employed and actually help launch a store. My hard work and dedication was noticed by my bosses and I quickly gained the trust and respect of my supervisors. I met huge celebrities like Brooke Shields, Bethenny Frankel and Kelly Ripa. I was blogged about by Brazilian fashion bloggers. I was a personal shopper for Kelly Rutherford! I became the queen of the jewelry department even though I don't wear jewelry often. Through experience, I also saw the consequences of favoritism in the work place and while I benefited from being a good employee--other good employees were treated disrespectfully simply because our bosses didn't particularly care for them. Fashion is a hard business and you are always judged. I would get comments like, "Christina--you look so much better with make-up!" How is that supposed to not affect my self-esteem? So I adopted a daily make-up routine, which when I was at Midd, swore never to do because natural beauty is the best! But then I realized the importance of looking good in NYC...so that "no make-up rule" went out the window.

December: I decided to buy everyone in my family Christmas presents because I was so grateful for having them in my life. It has been a long time since I've been incorporated into my family's routine and finally, I felt like we were gelling. My parents weren't on my ass about moving on in my life and just happy to have me home.

Because of Steven, I got to meet the delightful Mayor Bloomberg!

December was also the end of 2011. A year of incredible growth, transition and self-discovery. I had also discovered my renewed interest in women's entrepreneurship and got an internship at The Story Exchange, a nonprofit dedicated to empowering women entrepreneurs.

January-March.: I worked part-time at CWonder and interned at The Story Exchange. January was one of the darkest months for me...I don't even quite remember it. I was very anti-social and so embarrassed to say what I was doing to others. It was a period of incredible shame because I was not where I wanted to be in life. I also booked my tickets to see Sophie in Arizona because I needed to get out of New York.

By the end of February, on the very day when I would tell my internship that I would only continue through to March instead of June--my boss calls me into her office and offers me a full-time position. This blows my mind. I didn't even know she was offering me a job until the end of the conversation when we were talking about salary. I take a couple of days to digest this and accept her offer. I also tell her that I'll be gone for two weeks in March because I'm going to visit my best friend in Tucson.

March-April: TWO WEEKS IN TUCSON!! Even though I somehow got very sick and was struck with major allergies, I had a fantastic time being with Sophie and her loving family. We were constantly busy and for the first time, I knew what being super busy meant in the context of Sophie's life. I came to see a different side of her--the daughter, sister and friend that she is to her community in Tucson. It was something very special and I'm so glad that she let me into her life in this capacity. I don't think I've ever allowed anyone to be so close to me and my family. We road tripped to the Grand Canyon and drove across Arizona. I wish so badly I could have driven...this is my motivation for getting my driver's license--I felt so helpless when Sophie had been driving for 10-12 hours and we were so lost and an hour away from Tucson. I actually drove for the very first time in a Tucson mall parking lot with Sophie and Eduardo, Sophie's Chilean friend. I had a great time in Tucson and it was just the recharge I needed in my life.

April-May: These were the most socially charged months of my life so far this year! Every weekend in April, I was out at a birthday party or some social event. It was a lot of fun. My parents became so chill with my curfew. I barely had time to relax and spend some alone time. I realize how much I love and value my alone time. And I also realize that I do have friends in the city...so even though I may feel lonely at times, it's okay--I have a lot of people who do care about me, near and far. I'd like to claim that I am an anti-social person, but quite honestly, I'm not. I think it has to do with my insecurities with friends and betrayal from my old friends that I feel this guard when I make new friends. I just gotta be myself and people will either like me or not. I'm not going to bend over backwards to please others any more. I'll always at least be very polite and cordial.

And now it's June 2012. It's already June.
When Spring turns into Summer.
When the booty shorts come out of the closet and manicured (and un-manicured) toes peep out from sandals.
When the sun sets at 8pm and you'll wanna stay out till 4am.
Summer loves and ice cream go together like pb&j.

There's always something about the summertime that makes people happier. It's probably the overdosage of sun in our lives.

This summer I'm set out to have the best summer in NYC. More details to come about that. But it's just going to be about doing lots of activities and having fun.

In a couple of weeks, I'll turn 23. Already, just when I was comfortable with saying that I'm 22. And I'll wonder as I do every year, where will I be a year from now?

the conversation

Recently, I’ve been watching my new favorite show called The Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet. It’s a show produced and directed by Demi Moore and her daughter with the goal of sharing these honest conversations about love, health, money, relationships and so on, with women all over the world. Or as they’ve deemed it-- The conversation is the universal language of women. Amanda de Cadenet interviews big name celebrities, artists and icons in a very casual manner, getting them to reveal their personal stories and life lessons. It’s a show that allows viewers to learn more about themselves through the advice that is shared by Amanda and her interviewees. In short, I have been obsessed with it because I am learning all these life lessons vicariously through this show! Also, it's interesting to hear about celebs' life stories and struggles--they are so human and are not exempt from life’s tumultuous rides! As cheesy as this sounds, this show leaves me inspired about my future. 

One question that Amanda always asks her interviewees is, “What advice would you give to your 14-year-old self?”

I love that question and have even written a letter to my younger self about it. Specifically though, my 14-year-old self was too preoccupied with doing well in school and fitting into what I thought was the “cool group”…or as cool as the smart honors kids can be. I would tell myself to stop worrying so much about what others think of you. Don’t worry about being judged because you cannot control how others view you. And invest more time into activities, like learning to play the guitar and not with your high school boyfriend.  

Lady Gaga replied that she wouldn’t advise her 14 year-old self anything because she needed to go through whatever it is to become who she is today. And of course, it makes total sense, but if I could pass along any advice to my younger self, I think by now, I would know how to relax more, feel more confident about myself and perhaps even love myself more. If I had been able to work on my self-esteem and confidence throughout high school, I would have had a stronger foundation going into college and perhaps not felt so behind as I did freshmen year.

But then again, all of this is speculative.

One woman who was interviewed, Leslie Bennetts, author of The Feminine Mistake, said that she would advise her 14 year-old self to not be so boy crazy. When she said that, it struck a chord in me. I was never boy crazy at 14. I had my first boyfriend at the age of 15 because I thought that was the age I “ought to have a boyfriend”, just like everyone else. Little did I know I would end up dating him for three years. If that relationship taught me anything it was this: Don’t stay with a person for the sake of that person because in the end, you are only hurting yourself and giving the other person false hope for a future together. The other thing would be if the person you’re with isn’t helping you grow in any way and it’s just a monotonous relationship, re-evaluate what is holding the relationship together. It could very well be that you’re clinging on to something that’s not worthwhile because you’re afraid to be alone. To be honest, these are lessons that weren’t even apparent to me one year after the break-up, not even two years. But it was only three years after that break-up when I entered into my second serious relationship (and my first adult relationship) that these lessons became apparent to me. Why? Because I became so “boy crazy” during the first two years of college that I didn’t want to deal with the "lessons of the break-up". I’d been dating this one guy for three years and finally, I was liberated and in college with very good looking boys! 

I look back now and think about how ridiculously boy crazy I was during my freshmen and sophomore years in college. To be quite frank, it was more like an obsession over my crushes. My girlfriends had it bad too and we only made it worse as we divulged to each other every detail of our interactions. Everything from, “The way he looked at me, I could tell he felt it too” to “L climbed up to a table and watched us all hook-up with our boys”. These were the most ridiculous of times and the most memorable.

I’m glad I got to be a little boy crazy in college because I feel too old for that now, having been graduated from college for a year now. The Middlebury bubble was like a safe haven to be boy crazy. In NYC, being boy crazy can have some serious repercussions because the playground is just that much bigger and wilder. Being boy crazy to me nowadays is catching the eye of my gym crush and running an extra mile because of the adrenaline I got from our eyes interlocking for that quarter of a second. 

YOLO

YouOnlyLiveOnce. 

I just discovered this fantastic phrase that apparently Zac Efron has tattooed on the side of his right hand. I love this age old adage that I'd forgotten until now! This is what prompted me to attempt skinny dipping in Costa Rica when I was 16 and shamelessly got caught and fell into a ditch...oops that's another story. Or when I jumped off a 100ft waterfall in Minas Gerias, Brazil...p.s. I don't know how to swim!! (okay, maybe that was a little reckless...but I survived! And it was exhilarating!)

You only live once.

It's been a while since I've done anything that has given me an adrenaline high. Maybe that's the spice that I'm missing in my life. The life of a working girl is pretty drab--especially if the weather is as gloomy as it is today. It's probably because I work at a desk job and the most exciting thing in my day is a new interaction on the twitter feed. ah, that's so lame!! I hope, when the summer rolls around, that I'll be doing much more exciting activities like outdoor music concerts, hiking, weekend trips to places, "swimming", going to the beach and jogging in Central Park. Maybe I'll even squeeze in some heart-racing fun, like bungee jumping! or even a trip to six flags will do.

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If I were to get a tattoo, it would be a short quotation or an acronym like YOLO that would remind me to live my life and not under anyone's expectations except for mine. It would remind me to be me and accept myself as I am. The main reason I would actually get a tattoo is to remind myself to stay grounded in my beliefs. Who knows if I'll ever commit to a tattoo? It seems too permanent for my fickle soul.

DSD #6: Say Thank You to a MTA Employee

As I was walking to the exit at my subway stop yesterday, I noticed an MTA employee sweeping the platform. She looked so sad. I thought about what a thankless job it is. I am a strong anti-litter person and never litter, especially not in the subways. But the amount of garbage that is thrown on the subway tracks is an abomination! People do not clean up after themselves and have this mentality that "somebody else will pick it up". Well, I saw that "somebody else" yesterday (I hardly ever see MTA employees cleaning to be honest!) and as I was walking towards her, I silently said, "please look up, please look up!" And just as I was about to go through the turnstile, she looked up right at me. I said to her with a warm smile and said, "thank you". She smiled and continued to sweep.

Do Something Different #5: Go on a date with a girlfriend.

The weather yesterday was amazing! My friend and I went on a nice walk in Central Park, eating frozen yogurt, catching up on life and all that jazz.  We spontaneously decided to watch a movie and hopped over to 84th and Broadway to watch Think Like A Man. It was a HILARIOUS MOVIE! It's so funny because I'd seen ads all over the subway for this movie last month. Whenever I saw the movie poster, I secretly made fun of it--Think like a man? Really? What's the point? But on a whim, we watched it last night and it was great! We were eating honey roasted peanuts and chocolate covered raisins, (which by the way, is a delicious combination) and laughing our asses off! And we definitely went gaga over the main male lead (Michael Ealy) who is very good looking with his dark complexion and blue eyes!

It was just really nice to spend some quality time with a good friend. It was a nice treat for ourselves and of course, get to know one another better! I learned two things about my friend Daniela, a) she LOVES action-thriller movies and b) she's one of the very few girls I know that LOVES Star Wars! Very good things to know when her birthday comes around...next March! (*I'm making a mental note to remember this!)

Do Something Different #4: Donate $ to a Starving Musician

As I was leaving the subway car this morning, a man taps my shoulder and asks if I had dropped a dollar on the seat I'd been sitting in. I automatically responded "yeah! Thank you so much!" and rushed out before the doors closed. And then I thought about, and realized it wasn't mine. I'd felt guilty for taking it--but really, I had no idea and it was kind of like, well somebody is handing a $1 to you and you have to get off the train so just take it! I left the dollar in my jacket pocket and thought to myself, I must give this to somebody else who would really need that dollar. I went about my day, completely forgetting about this dollar. With the whole DSD (do something different) mission on my mind, I saw plenty of opportunities today where I could have done something I would not have otherwise done, such as...

1) FREE ADVICE GUYS: I was walking by Astor Place and there were two guys, sitting by the curb with a sign that said "FREE ADVICE". And one guy was engaged in a conversation with a girl...and the other guy was just sitting there staring off. I wanted to take him up on his offer...ask him about life, love, career--anything! But it was one of those moments where I couldn't think of a question fast enough and by the time I reached them, the light was green and I just crossed the street. Guess it wasn't meant to happen. It reminded me of last summer when Lauren, Matt, Steven and I were in Union Sq and there was a FREE ADVICE Guru. We actually asked him questions and he was really nice and listened to our problems.

2) GYM GUY: ohhh man. Back when I was working out every other day, I had the biggest crush on this guy who I call my 'gym crush'. He's probably the "beefiest" guy I've ever liked. He motivates me to work out harder! His arms are the size of my thighs and 10 times more muscular. Anyway, it's been forever since I've seen him (because it's been a while since I've been to my gym!) and so when I saw him today--I did a double take and remembered that I had a crush on him! He was wearing a CORNELL t-shirt, which I hate to admit, it made him 15% hotter. jk, but he's good looking and smart! Anyway, I wanted to smile--do something to catch his attention...but I am the biggest wimp when it comes to things like this. So I chickened out...oops!

And finally, my DSD of the day: as I was pulling out my metrocard from my jacket pocket, I felt the dollar bill and actually thought to myself "yes! It's not too late!! there must be somebody who I can give this dollar to in Union Sq!" And long behold, as I arrived at my platform, there was a skinny white guy playing a guitar. He was off key and singing, "I'm so hungry...anything helps from soy beans to cornflakes..." and I thought, "That's my guy!" I went up and dropped the dollar bill into his guitar case. I hope it serves him well!

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What'd you do today?

Do Something Different

Do Something Different is my commitment to living a more diverse and fun-filled life. I'm embracing and even igniting the spontaneity within me. Every day, I will do something that I'm not used to doing in my routine. I believe it's very easy to settle down and get comfortable with the life you have. Being complacent is easy. Adapting to change and dealing with new situations is much more difficult. It sparks growth and pushes you out of your boundaries. I'm looking for new challenges while juggling my old challenges--that's what life is: balancing the new with the old. Who knows, in the way of fulfilling this mission, I might even learn a thing or two about myself.

So I've been doing this for three day now!

DSD #1 (Sunday): I played the guitar, or rather, I just fiddled around with it for about half an hour. I wish I'd dedicated more time to learning how to play this instrument in college.

DSD #2 (Monday): I had a conversation with a stranger on the subway ride home. People love to talk about themselves and sometimes, they just want to talk. And I love to listen so I listened to this man talk about his life for 20 minutes. That's all it takes, 20 minutes. I never got his name but I hope one day our paths will cross again.

DSD #3 (Today): I'm going to a spontaneous concert with a friend! Mike Snow @ Terminal 5! I don't know this band but I've been enjoying their music all day!

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What's your DSD?

Caine's Arcade

I somehow found an article about Caine's Arcade today and watched the inspirational short film about this 9 year old's cardbox arcade business. His story was so touching and I just had to write about it. I wish I were in LA right now so I could meet the boy of the hour!


Caine, a creative boy with an entrepreneurial spirit created a whole arcade in his dad's auto shop in East LA. This is not your typical arcade, this is a cardbox arcade filled with new games invented and built by the 9 year old himself. He has found innovative ways to cut costs by assembling his own contraptions. The first game was a basketball game with a little plastic hoop taped to a cardboard box. He also made a soccer game with two plastic green army figures acting as fixed goalies. And my favorite game, out of a piece of yarn and an s-hook, he created a claw machine contraption. Genius. 

The best thing about Caine's Arcade is how energetic Caine is as a business owner. He is serious and not afraid to work hard. When you win a game, Caine will personally climb into the backend and push the winning tickets out of a slot for you to stimulate a real arcade experience. 

I couldn't help but be inspired by his resilience, problem-solving skills and ingenuity. At the age of 9, I was simply reading Goosebumps and making clothes for my Barbie. I would earn 50 cents if I washed dishes after the family dinner...and that's about it. Caine's hard work created this big break. His very first customer was so impressed that he planned this flashmob customer base and produced this short film. And now Caine's Arcade is the hottest thing in town.


Good luck to you Caine and keep up that entrepreneurial spirit!

you are one serious hot shot, you better believe it!

If you can't take yourself seriously, nobody else will be able to. Seriously!

Yes, I know how ridiculously silly I am in my own head. I have all these random ideas and crazy entrepreneurial ventures and ambitions I hope to one day pursue. Then the negative voice creeps up behind my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "do you think you can actually pull that off?" And then the voice gets louder, "you don't even have a strong skill set! who are you kidding?" It's a hard voice to shake off. But there comes a point where if you don't take yourself seriously and ward off that negative voice, it becomes detrimental to your self-worth and possibly seep over to your career life. It hinders you from moving forward because you are trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and insecurity about your abilities.

Sometimes, I have a hard time believing that I am 22, graduated from college and working at a real job. It's one of those realities that I struggle to come to terms with because I simply feel unprepared to be "an adult in the real world". The transition from student to adult is a hard mentality to adapt. (not that you're not an adult in college...but an adult in the sense that you're no longer in school and can take more responsibility.) It brings up a lot of insecurities because for the first time, it really is up to you. You are creating your future in the present. And you have to take responsibility for how you spend your time. By next month, it would have been a year since I've graduated from college. One year. Already?!! I feel like I've done so much and nothing at all. After one year of cycling in and out of the "twentysomething depression", I've learned that the best way to deal with it is to take action. The "twentysomething depression" is the state of confusion about what you want to do with your life and this confusion causes you to question everything. I mean everything. And then you question your questions. It also includes a period of self-reflection and some people even exhibit anti-social behaviors due to the fact that they may not be doing anything with their lives. And that's hard to admit.

Talking to friends, doing activities, working a part-time job, meeting new people and journaling have all been very helpful in my transitional year. The hardest element of being in this "twentysomething depression" is the cycle of negative thoughts and not being able to take yourself seriously (in other words, conceptualizing your potential).

As cheesy as this may sound, you really have to work at keeping a positive mentality. For me, repeating phrases in my head are helpful in feeling empowered.

"Believe in yourself, Christina."
"Christina, if you don't go after what you want, you'll never have it. If you don't ask, the answer is always no. If you don't step forward, you're always in the same place."

and yes, if I'm feeling particularly feisty, I even say:

"you are one serious hot shot--you better believe it!"

It's pretty much like a pep talk to yourself. Saying your name to yourself is a pretty powerful mental tool because it sets a serious tone and it feels like somebody else is keeping you in check, when it's actually just your own voice.

So, I'm learning each and every day to not let negativity discourage me from achieving my goals.

Just take it one day at a time and a couple months from now, observe the thought pattern and you'll find that your resilience towards the negativity has tremendously improved.

living in the present

hellooo--I'm back from my little vacation to Tucson, Arizona to visit my best friend. I was there for two weeks and I've been back for almost 2 weeks now...time passes by so quickly! It feels like yesterday when I was there! We went to the Grand Canyon, hiked this trail near Sabino Canyon called Seven Falls...I went to A Mountain and saw a beautiful view of Tucson at night. We went to a 20 acre ranch south of Tucson with horses and lots of dogs. In other words, my time in Tucson was jam packed--full of activities, meeting new people and running errands. It was a busy that I was not used to. And it was this kind of busy that I came to understand my friend's life in a different light. It was so great being in a different environment and learning about a different lifestyle that is not as fast-paced as New York's.

Did you know it takes about 75 years for a cactus to grow an arm?? Fun fact I learned from Sam, one of Sophie's friends! 

One lesson, out of the many, I learned during my time there was how to live presently. Sophie's mom gave me a piece of advice that really helped me see my life from a different perspective. She said, "If you want a good look at how your future will be, look in the present because it is the most accurate indicator of how your life will turn out. That's why living in the present is so important." Her words lingered in my head during my whole trip back to NY. Living in the present is one of the biggest challenges that I have. I find myself perpetually living for the future. For example, when I'm at work, I think, "can't wait till work is over...then I'll go to the gym" --> when I'm at the gym --> "can't wait till this workout is over...I'm starving! I just want to eat" and so forth. And that's only the day-to-day routine. Every day, I dream of other possibilities about how my future will look like because I am not appreciative of my present. Living in the present means being aware of your body, your surroundings, your breath, and your feelings at the very moment. Living in the present purposefully is something I must remember to do each and every day. Every decision I make on how I'd like to spend my day contributes to my future. Even small decisions as in choosing what to eat, where to buy my clothes or how to spend my "extra" money. These are every day habits that I've created for myself and these habits will bleed into the future me. If I don't do anything differently today, how do I expect the future to be any better? 

All this is much easier said than done. There are 168 hours a week. That's a lot of time to fill with activities I want to do in the city, friends whom I love to spend time with, spending time with my family, meeting new people, studying, reading for pleasure...and the list can go on and on. The most important thing is that I want to lead a more active life and get out of this routine work rut. My present is not satisfying because all my past habits have fostered this mundane climate in my life. Practicing live in the present and planning activities to ensure that I break old homebody habits will be two tough challenges. But I am so ready for a new lifestyle so let's make it happen! 

what motivates you?

I have been working on this job application for the past three weeks now and I have been having the hardest time focusing on it. It's for a job that would be so perfect for me because it's in Brazil and I would be putting my expensive degree to good use! But every time I go to work on it, I get distracted and a lot of mental blocks prevent me from answering the lengthy application. I am not a huge fan of talking or writing about myself...I have not gained the self-confidence to speak about myself so positively and that is why I believe I am struggling to answer these tough questions about my leadership abilities and communication style and so on. I know I will be capable of doing this job but all my self-doubt and worries flood my brain and I just end up feeling frustrated and stressed about myself. I seriously have a list of self-improvement characteristics/qualities somewhere in a word document. I feel this tremendous need to read a million self-help books before I can finish this application. Alas, I don't have time for that but I'm hoping to bring some clarity into my mind by blogging about it.

So this is my solution to combat these negative thoughts--figuring out what motivates me so that I can encourage myself to keep going despite the mental blocks:


What motivates you?
1) My love for Brazil and Portuguese. Learning Portuguese was my academic passion while I was in college. I will be so disheartened if I ever lose this amazing ability. I love speaking this beautiful language too much to let it go without a fight. I would love to be able to use it during my job! Hell, I even find a way to use it now by speaking to total strangers I see on the streets of New York!

2) My family. I love my family to pieces. I have been building stronger relationships with my family ever since I've been back home. I also realized that I am so similar to my mom...I never noticed that before. We are both strong, independent women. I draw my strength from my mom. I hope I will be able to share this with her one day.

3) My commitment to service. I want to contribute what I can to serve others. I am committed to social change, community empowerment and environmental sustainability. I have been blessed in so many ways and I want to give back to my community and the international community. I haven't volunteered in a while and once I get my life schedule back on track, I will definitely incorporate that into my life.

4) My adoration for traveling. There is something so magical about traveling to a new place. Everyone experiences locations differently. What makes traveling so exciting to me are the people that you spend your time with, new people that you meet and the impressive locales. Mostly, I remember the people and the scenery. I am dying to soak in some sunlight and walk around nature!!

5) My loving friends. My best friends are my anchors--they keep me grounded and sane! Sometimes I feel like they understand me better than I do. They motivate me to be a better friend. Their inspiring stories motivate me to take action. And their love helps me grow. I almost want to say I first learned love from my friends...but then again, nothing is stronger than maternal love.

And my best friends know who they are, I'll always be there for them.

and ultimately, (6) I am motivated to be a better person each and every day. That's why I'm so obsessed with self-help...I'm always striving to be a better version of me.

dear younger self,

Dear younger self,

I wish you'd realized earlier on that you should stop fretting over the small things in life. Go out and have fun more often. Say irrational things and then laugh at yourself for thinking it in the first place. Dare to say "you're so beautiful" when someone sneezes. Let your hair down and don't be afraid to look so feminine. Or sexy. Show some cleavage every now and then--you know you got it! Admit that you don't read the New York Times every day and the fact that you have no idea where Comoros is located. Admit that you don't know old rock bands from the 60s, 70s, or the 80s...except for Queen. Bohemian Rhapsody is the shit! And admit that you love watching hours of mindless t.v. even though you know it is a gigantic waste of time. You cannot please everyone. You have to defend your own boundaries. Speaking Portuguese makes you feel alive, so invest more time into studying it. Speaking Chinese makes you feel like shit--cos you can't speak it so well...so start speaking more with your family! Don't compare yourself to others--it will only depress you even more. 

Love yourself more. Trust your instincts, they know a thing or two when you have disobeyed in the past. Love yourself even more, despite your shortcomings and mistakes; you are human. Use your time wisely, even though we both know how you like to spend it on trivial things. Focus more on your goals. Don't lose sight of them because it's easy for you to convince yourself out of things that are good for you. Your nonsensical rationale never ceases to amaze me. This is why you need to build up stronger self-discipline.

People will enter your life. People will leave it. You cannot be friends with everyone and not everyone will want to be friends with you...it's one of those facts of life. The people who stay in your life are the ones who matter. And the ones who leave, just wish the best for them in their life endeavors and hope one day your paths may cross again.  Time heals if you let it. Forgive yourself for lost friendships. Forgive yourself for lost loves. 

Don't give up on love, even though you may become a cynic. Everything happens for a reason and love will come with time. Learn to love yourself first, and the rest will follow. Learn to trust yourself and the universe will guide you. Love your life and your body because this is the one you were blessed with. 

Keep writing and documenting your life--you know your memory will fade, but these words will stay. And when you read them again, they will breathe energy back into you. 

Love more and live presently. 

Love,

Christina 

Make-up does wonders

When I was a tween, I was so excited to become a teenager and start wearing make-up. But when I became a teenager, I never broke out in acne or felt the pressure to use make-up. Honestly, I didn't even know how to use anything. YouTube didn't exist yet. I don't have any female cousins. And there were way too many products for me to decipher. To this day, I still don't know the function of half the products on the market. I am very grateful to have pretty good skin. Even though as a tween, I couldn't wait to get my first breakout because I felt it was all a part of the maturing process. It was like a rite of passage to become a teenager. Now I am so glad to have never had breakouts.

So when I watched this video (click here), I could not help but feel this girl's pain and admire her bravery and courageousness to film this video. She really put herself in a vulnerable position by posting this on YouTube. I think a lot of women feel insecure without their beauty products. I went into work one day and I was running late so I had no time to do my make-up. I mentioned that to one of my co-workers and she said, "really, I couldn't tell you didn't have make-up on!"  I have only been using make-up on a daily basis for the past year. And now that I have become used to it, I know what women mean when they say, "I feel so naked without make-up!" And I don't even use that much make-up. But when I don't have it on, I just automatically feel "uglier". I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. I just wonder when this switch in mentality happened--I never used to be so dependent on make-up for a confident boost, but now I do. I think about my make-up a lot--whether it's smeared or needs to be re-touched...it's a lot of maintenance to be pretty these days. I miss those carefree days where I just didn't need make-up.

The make-up industry is a $10 billion dollar industry. And it does not seem to be on the decline, even in a recession economy...women cannot live without their products. In this video tutorial, the girl uses 8 products and the brands that she uses are pretty high end. The Make Up Forever foundation costs $40 for 1 oz. For $40, I can go to D.C. and back on megabus. Or a roundtrip bus ticket to Boston! Kinda crazy, right!?

So anyway, this video proves that make-up truly does wonders to enhance a person's outer beauty. I resisted using make-up for the longest time because I didn't feel the need to wear make-up. I've always been more on the tomboy side. But last year, I decided that applying make-up is an important life skill for me as a woman. So I learned, thanks to YouTube! Now I blush and feel a teeny bit proud whenever anybody tells me that they like my make-up because it's something I'm still getting used to.

let's talk about dating.

Recently, I tried my hand at matchmaking. A good guy friend of mine mentioned that he found one of my co-workers very attractive...so I thought it would be great to match the two of them together since I saw qualities in them that would be complementary to each other. After much deliberation and teasing, my guy friend mustered up the courage to ask her out to a movie. I learned that I probably won't make a career out of matchmaking because it is not as easy as it looks. I'll leave it to match.com. and okcupid.com. Through this process, it is really interesting to be the objective person observing the courtship because I've really learned a lot about the human condition.

1. People want to date. Even if he/she says that he/she is happy being single, there is still a small part himself/herself that wants to be involved with someone. 'Involved' could mean anything from hooking-up to dating. Ultimately, we as humans are social creatures...and most of us don't want to be lonely. Dating is, for the most part, a fun exchange. Did he text you?, Well how did you respond?, What are you going to wear on your first date!!  So all the flirting, texting, sexual innuendos that are part of the dating process builds up your "dating persona". You have to know how to talk the talk and make the moves. People want to date! It's heart racing fun!

2. People get nervous. And it's so much fun to watch when you have nothing to lose!! I can actually see my friend's brain go into overload as he deliberates the wording of a text message! I can read the thoughtfulness in his attempt to be chill and reserved yet interested. I think it is just so interesting to observe how other people get nervous. It offers insight for me when I get nervous. Really, it's nbd!

3. People love to text. In this day and age, texting is the preferred method of communication. Texts can be very ambiguous and easily misinterpreted. So when a guy actually calls instead of text to ask a woman out on a date, I really admire that. It cuts out all of the confusion, text-time analysis by both parties and the "how should I phrase this?" angst. However, if one party is not interested, this could also make for an awkward exchange...or a string of ignored phone calls...

Anyway, on to my second point, what is wrong with being single?

For some reason, lately I've been asked several times whether or not I have a boyfriend. And I find myself feeling embarrassed saying, "No I'm not seeing anyone right now" or "Nope, I'm single" or "There's no one in the picture right now...". It's like admitting that I have some sort of defect. I'm single...and have been this way for a year and a half now! Sometimes I get the pity look and then this response, "aww you are such a nice girl, I'm sure you'll find somebody". verbatim. THEN I feel the need to justify why I'm single. "I'm really  busy at work" or "I'm just working on myself right now and I'm not looking for anyone" or "You know, timing hasn't been on my side". There really should be no shame to say "I'm single" period. You don't have to provide a background story for why you are single. I find the justifications disempowering, especially since I am happy being single. Sure there are days where I'd love to have a boyfriend to go to the movies or to go out dancing. But most days--like 99% of the time, I am busy trying to figure myself out. I can't really factor another human into my life right now. Yes I must admit it, I get lonely--but that's why I have a great network of friends. When I'm feeling down or alone, a simple phone call to a good friend will make me feel warm again. Don't get me wrong, I am definitely guilty of offering justifications as to why I am single too. But now that I am more conscious about my justifications, I will simply say it like it is: I'm not interested in dating.  I spend 0% of my time actively pursuing guys and I mostly spend my time with friends and family or at work. I realize that society places an emphasis on achieving "couplehood" and marriage. Being part of a couple is a very validating status in our society and it is reinforced through Hollywood (any Katherine Heigl movie) and reality TV shows (Bachelor & Bachelorette series). Really, it's okay to be single--you don't have to whisper it or justify why. Mostly, dating is all about chemistry, timing and luck. And those are elements that you just cannot control.

One more story to share--at work, one of my co-workers who is just the sweetest, he always says to me, "Christina you are such a catch! Whoever you end up with will be a lucky guy". Whenever he tells me this, I just brush it off and blush a little inside. Thinking about it now, it is very affirming to hear that because being the independent person I am, I'm not looking to "complete" anyone or "fulfill the idea of the dream girl". I am looking for companionship--intellectually, emotionally and physically. I'm not going to lie, in the past, I've "fluffed up my personality" to make guys more attracted to me but I never felt genuine and those "relationships" never lasted long. I'd rather be single than in a relationship where I'm pretending to be someone else. I recently spoke to my best friend from college and she was just in the healthiest relationship she's ever been in. According to her, communication of each partner's needs is a key component to building a strong relationship. Be honest and upfront. Ultimately, they were two people who understood, respected and loved each other openly. I'm not sure what that looks like for me or how that feels but I'm looking forward to someday having that too.

In the meantime, I am single and proud of it.

don't stop believing.

Source: http://www.flickr.com/photos/9399948@N05/

Life post-grad has been nothing but a series of questions, dazed looks and a wave of confusion, day in and day out. I change my mind at least twenty times a day about my career. I am like a frog, jumping from one idea to the next. I am ambitious and passionate...but that isn't enough. The only thing that makes sense to me thus far is entrepreneurship. At my internship today, I was researching about social entrepreneurs under the age of 24. I was very impressed at some of these young teens who have extraordinary ideas and strong follow through. One girl, Eden Full, 19, has created a solar panel that channels solar energy to electricity. She has carried out her project in Kenya, powering a town! It is incredible! Another girl, Laura Deming who is just 17 is working on extending the human lifespan to 200 years old using biotechnology. RIDICULOUS!! They are so talented and inspiring. I left my internship very satiated in inspiration and eager to change the world in my own way. It seems like every great idea has already been put to action. I remember my very first business, Toorific tote bags, was a huge hit! I came up with the 3-in-1 tote bag when I was 16! Now that smaller zip tote bag is everywhere in stores--from bloomingdale's to Whole Foods...that could have been my brand! I was too young and inexperienced to really put anything into action. But now, I am old enough to seek resources, create a business plan and start a business!

I try to convince myself out of it--I weigh all my options...but nothing seems to settle right with me. I may not know what my business will be or how it will look like...but I know that entrepreneurship is something I want to pursue right now. I'm constantly thinking of the "next big thing". And yes, this is an extremely difficult time for me right now because I have never felt so lost and unsure of myself, but my new motto is: go big or go home. I'm young and I have a supportive family. It feels like now or never. Let me take this risk and believe in myself. Entrepreneurship is not easy, but it sure is exciting...and I'm ready for the ride.

Photos of the day: The Central Park Ducks!

Today I decided to take a stroll through Central Park and take photos. I haven't been taking photos ever since I've been back to NYC...and I lovee photography so I thought it was about time to get back into it!

In my winding journey through Central Park, I stumbled upon a pond filled with beautiful ducks!! I could not resist taking a thousand photos of them! They have the most beautiful features that I've ever seen!! The vibrant colors really brightened my day. Check it out!

The gang of ducks! 

The elegant duck.

The wood duck, which is the rare breed in Central Park! 

Look at how orange their feet are! 

This little discovery totally made my day! It was so nice to reconnect with nature for just a little bit. 

The Importance of Gratitude

I have been watching a lot of motivational videos both for pleasure and for my internship. And the one thing that  I've been wanting to exercise is the act of being grateful for what I have and where I am. I take my situation for granted--I live at home with my parents, which means that I am really well taken care of at home. Housing, food and laundry--all taken care of! Yet what do I do about this situation? I complain and express how limiting it is to be at home. I only focus on the negative side because things in my life aren't in the best shape. Thus I fail to appreciate how lucky I've got it. I have been wanting to get to know my family ever since I've returned from my experience abroad. So this is my opportunity to get to know my family, especially my dear mom. I want to learn more about my family history and understand my parents better. Despite the language barrier, I am going to have more conversations with my parents. It is definitely a priority on my 2012 goal list.

So I am going to write three things I am grateful for every day to keep myself grounded and positive about the situation that I am currently in.

1) I am grateful for the food that I have access to. I just read about the famine in the horn of Africa and I felt so guilty after reading the article because I have not been appreciative of the food that I eat. I have always had a troubling relationship with food and reading about the food shortage really put things in perspective for me. I am blessed to be able to eat everything from McDonald's to healthy salads. I am grateful for my mom's delicious food every night.

2) I am grateful for the gym. I have been going to the gym for two months now and it has made me a happier person. I am so lucky to be able to afford a decent gym in Soho, NYC. I ought not to bitch and complain about going there because it really is a privilege.

3) I am grateful to have a cell phone. Ever since I have been living in NYC, I have been embarrassed about my cell phone...because I do not own a smartphone. I have a cell phone with a pop-out keyboard. I LOVED it when I first bought it, but now I am even ashamed to give out my number because I have to take it out of my pocket and reveal that TA-DA, I have one of those "ancient" phones where you can't check your email or download apps. Well, my sole purpose of having a cell phone is to be able to call and text. And my phone is handy dandy in doing that. But honestly, it feels like everyone is expected to have a smartphone and if you don't, you're branded as a loser. My phone may not be "smart" but it never runs out of batteries when you need it the most.

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So, there you have it. Three things, every day...tiny steps to building a healthy, positive outlook on life.

In addition to this, I am working on a visualization book where I am going to make a book of goals for myself. Some will be long term life goals, while others will be 2012 oriented goals. I'll take photos once I'm done. 2012 will be a better year...I just know it!