Trial Day at STARTUPA

For the past year, I've been wanting to work at a startup. Startups are so cool. Startups are so hip and innovative. There are so many perks--free lunch, gym memberships, fun swag and I'd be working in a young work environment. I had idealized the situation, obviously. And sure, there are startups in which that description is true (Warby Parker), but for the majority of the struggling startups out there, they are focusing hard on building their company--and while they may come with some perks (namely free lunch) it also comes with sacrifices (smaller office space and using your own laptop for work). I mean I guess I understood that but today at my "trial day" at STARTUPA, I really was able to witness the inner workings of the startup environment. I was in a deep observation mode--comparing it to The Story Exchange and my role there. My conclusion at the end of my 5 hour trial day: I actually like working at TSE better.

Wow.

I never thought that I would come to that conclusion, but I have. I actually have much more ownership and input in my role at TSE. At STARTUPA, I was just going to be a customer service rep, helping customers book services over the phone, troubleshoot with the providers and organizing appointments. While I would be gaining very useful skills in that position, that's not where I'd like to invest my time in right now.

My whole mentality during this interview process with STARTUPA has been, "I hope they like me" but now I realize how wrong that mindset is. It should be, "I hope we're a great fit" because I have to enjoy working in this environment too. My gut instinct already told me that this wasn't going to be the job for me but I continued to follow through with it because I convinced myself that it could be a good fit. (I won't lie, I was also lured by the prospect of getting a higher salary too.) But after my time today, I realize how much more work I must put into my job search to find a suitable transition. It just wasn't a good fit at STARTUPA. Being at STARTUPA just showed me an alternate reality where I worked at a startup, answering calls all day and attending to customers' needs. That's really exhausting and not the line of work I'm interested in.

I have gained such a different perspective about my time at TSE now from this one trial day at TSE. I realize how valuable my work and time is. I realize that in many ways, TSE is more similar to a startup than I thought. I am held directly accountable for many facets of the organization and report directly to my bosses, Sue and Victoria, just as I would be at any startup. The difference is simply in the work environment and mentality.

I am so grateful for the job, liberties and responsibilities that I have now. I haven't been able to enjoy my job at TSE because I internalized a lot of what others told me--I should be making more money, I should be doing X and Y to build my resume...and while that may be true, I could have been enjoying my time there more had I not worried about all these other judgments.

Working at TSE has been a great entry level job to launch my career. And now I'm even more fueled to find a better job transition. Honestly, it was only through this trial day experience that I was able to recognize how much I've learned in my time at TSE.

Living Life with Integrity

"The definition of integrity is where your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are aligned."

Lately, I've been thinking about this quotation often and what it means to live life with integrity. Whenever I remember to take a pause in the day, I simply ask myself, how am I feeling? What am I thinking about? And are my actions reflecting how I feel and what I think?

More often than not, I find myself either betraying my feelings, my thoughts or my actions. This is when I realized how often I'm not living with integrity because my perception of integrity was always in service of others. I valued being honest with others above being honest with myself. I spoke the truth that I knew others would want to hear. I did things for others and not myself. I have lived my life not for myself, but rather, to please other people. While I haven't lived my entire life pleasing others (my parents can attest to that), I operate on a level that is detrimental to myself--which has always been: first considering others, then basing my decisions on the others' needs. Very rarely do I assert myself. But as I am navigating this adult world, I realize how often people put themselves first. This gets me thinking, why can others do that and not me? It just feeds into my habit of being self-sacrificing. I must consider, what do I want and how I will get there.

For the longest time, I've had a very free-flowing attitude towards my career. I think, "I'll just stumble upon this career path and I'll just simply know." This kind of naivete will get me nowhere because career transitions are not only difficult, but they also waste time. I've already spent 5 months too long in my current job. I've yet to transition because I don't know where to go. I'm not interested in simply looking for a new job because a) I want to work in a better growth-oriented environment b) I want to get paid better c) I want to enjoy life as a young twenty-something professional in NYC. I am looking at the bigger picture, how will my next job strategically lead me to where I want to be 10 years from now?

So I'm committing to living my life with integrity to myself. Honoring my feelings, thoughts and actions will be the greatest act of self-love I can do.

That means that I must dedicate time to myself every day to a) doing a morning practice that sets the pace for my day b) checking-in with myself and, c) journaling.

With any luck, 10 years from now, I will be living my life full of integrity instead of self-betrayal and resentment. Even as a 23-year-old, I am tired of putting myself second. I don't want to be so resentful of my decisions any more. At the same time, it is SO MUCH easier for me to put myself second. I'm not used to asking myself, "what do I want?" and asserting those needs. I must challenge myself to do this daily, so that one day, it won't be so hard to put myself first.