The Role of the Caretaker

Lisa, one of my best friends from high school made an insightful observation about me and the role I play in my friendships. I’m constantly the caretaker in many of the good friendships that I have. I’m always making sure that I’m taking caring of them in some way. Usually, it’s just listening and helping them sort out problems and offering advice. And really, that’s what everyone needs. I do it so often that I forget that I too, need somebody like that in my life. Everyone wants to be heard and when they need to talk, my phone is ringing. I’m surprised—still in this day and age, I talk on the phone for several hours a week. When I did a brief informal survey earlier this year, I simply asked people, “how often do you have conversations on the phone?”  The most common answer was once a week, at the most. Everyone texts now. I would say I'm on the phone 3-4 times a week. But now that I have a smartphone, I’ve become a texter. (oops)

I enjoy listening because I see it as a learning opportunity to hear the problem and help find a solution. And I also enjoy asking questions. It’s a good way for me to understand the person and it also helps the speaker explain the situation. For my own fun, I challenge myself to think of really good questions—and those questions are the ones that help give way to the solutions/realizations.

I think one of the biggest reasons why I’ve become so frustrated in one of my closest friendships is because I’m not getting a chance to be heard or the opportunity to fully express myself. He shuts me down, doesn’t respond and is not a good communicator. I wonder to myself, how can somebody be so close to me and not yet understand how I think? Maybe he never really knew me so well in the first place because he’s not mature enough to know that friendships are about people, not material things.

Another point I wanted to make is that since I’m always taking care of other people, I don’t give others the chance to help me grow and better understand myself. I'm so used to being reflective and self-observant that I can be blind-sighted to other tendencies. When it comes to self-growth, I’m the first one to write the letter to myself and brace myself for the “breakthrough realization” but it is usually self-induced, not provided through constructive criticism. I really do try hard to improve myself because I am my own worst critic. I have so many self-improvement projects going on, it’s overwhelming. This is where a lot of my self-imposed stress comes from. I am so hell-bent on being the best version of me possible—this includes, but is not limited to: having a successful career, being healthy and fit, doing service work, managing my dreams and expectations of myself and having an active social life. I’m striving for this mirage of perfection that will always be a mirage. And I honestly never realized I was striving for perfection till this year. The idea of perfection is different for everyone and this was the year I figured out my definition of perfection. It is: I am a  healthy and fit woman, who is diligently working for a nonprofit, who goes to social events after work and volunteers on the weekend. She works out at the gym every day before work. At her job, she's the go-to gal for outreach and is bringing in all the good stories. In the social scene, she's the one that brings people together and plans the best mixers to blend in all the right people. On the weekends, she is either volunteering or going for hikes in upstate New York. This all sounds so attainable, but it's not, due to various constraints. It's mostly a lifestyle issue. I'll still work towards this goal and I understand that it doesn't have to happen all at once. 

While I really do enjoy helping my friends, I need to find a balance of listening and talking more. It’s okay for me to be selfish. And it’s okay for me to say “no, I can’t handle your emotional drama. ” For the first time, I have to put me first.