Overhearing Candidates Interviewing for Your Position

...is a lot harder than I realized. Especially when I am choosing to be unemployed.

Today is the first day of interviews in my office. The job posting went up last Friday and since then 80 people have applied. Of the 80, 8 made it to the interviews. All women. Tough job market.

I am not involved in this process at all...for some reason, I thought I would have some sort of role in hiring the next person...naive of me to think. I guess it's all part of the spotlight effect where I think everything is all about me, haha.

It's just interesting to reflect on my process of how I got hired...I was first an intern and by the end of the second month, I was offered a job. I wasn't sure if I should take it but I took it anyway because it was career advancing. A year and a half later, I'm leaving. In this time period, I've learned a lot about social media and communications, most of which I have never really articulated because it's just become so automatic. I wonder how this will translate in my next position. I've also learned a lot about myself and what an initiator I am...but not so good with the results analysis (the one aspect I've avoided was analyzing the social media metrics, which is something that I should have spent more time on, but I really get intimidated by data.) I've contributed a lot to the development of the site and the blog. I've gone to numerous talks and workshops and connected with women entrepreneurs one-on-one. I did my first multi-media segment with Claudia Chan! There is a lot I have to be proud of, yet I have never really celebrated my successes and continued to focus on my shortcomings. This is sadly, my approach in life.

Moving forward, as I apply for new jobs and work in a new position, I will be more mindful of my accomplishments and keep track of them because it's important to track my own personal growth. And it's important to celebrate them. This isn't like school anymore where I get a report card or a grade. I am in charge of assessing myself, and that is no easy task.

So, yes, it's been hard listening to these candidates interviewing for my position, which, in some ways, I took for granted (so many hours lost on browsing the internet...because it was my job?) and I am really excited for this organization to get a breath of fresh air and some social media expertise. There's a voice that also says, "I hope they don't hire somebody better than me," but that's a selfish way of thinking because I really do wish the best for them. I've done all that I could and it's time for me to move on--there's no point in berating myself on what I could have done.

I know this was the right decision to make because even though I don't have a job secured, I'm not afraid or worried, which is the most surprising thing, considering I'm an excessive worrier. Maybe I'm just being blissfully ignorant about how hard it is to find a job (average unemployment period is 9 months in the U.S.) but even this is not deterring. I have faith that I will be able to find my way, whether it is a job in international education or starting something on my own.

It's Quitting Time...

This is one of the toughest decisions I have to make--quitting my first real job. So when I finally took the leap and made that decision Friday--I didn’t anticipate all the unintended consequences...I mean how could I? 

I thought the toughest part was to tell my boss in NY, S, about my decision, but that was a piece of cake compared to my boss in Boston, V’s reaction to my resignation. I realized it was because V was much more attached to me than S, which makes it all the more difficult--and in some ways I believe she took it to be personal. S has dealt with many freelancers and Production Assistants in her lifetime to be more emotionally removed from it. I actually really appreciated her reaction now looking back. V challenged my commitment and professionalism (she called me unprofessional because I shocked and blind-sighted her with the news). She said, “In my day, if I were responsible for a project, I like to see it all the way through...I guess that’s not how it is with you young folks” and phrased my decision as  “just making a quick decision and going for it.” It was very painful to have her question my professional integrity. I hear her words ringing in my head. As sympathetic as she tried to be, I could clearly sense her disappointment, as if this one decision that I made undermined all the work I’ve done, all the commitment I’ve given to the organization. Honestly, this conversation made me feel like shit...as if I made the wrong decision to stand up for myself and my life. But I know I made the right decision to leave. I've given my 3 weeks' notice. I promised to get my project done on time and will work overtime to complete it. And after that--I'm leaving. It's not anything against the organization and I didn’t expect that it would mean a fallout and sharp criticism from my favorite boss...who I thought would be the most understanding. 

Honestly--if she wanted me to stay--how about better pay? Health care coverage? Or a 501K? With my meager earnings, I could not afford to take a job like this if I didn’t live with my parents. I have to look out for myself and cannot be so self-sacrificing. How is it justified? It’s not. The amount of skills I’m learning here no longer matches the compensation. And all that stuff didn’t even matter to me untill this year when I started having more open conversations with friends about career, money and planning for the future. Even if they offered me all of this, I would still resign--I am committed to searching for fulfilling work. It exists and I must continue on my journey to finding it.