The Art of Worrying

I've perfected the Art of Worrying. Better yet, I've inherited it from my mother.

Every time I think to myself, Stop worrying and live in the present. And as grateful as I am for what I have, I cannot stop fretting over a) being worried about something that has not happened; b) being worried about something that can possibly happen; c) being worried about something that may possibly happen; d) stressed over something that I can control; or e) stressed over something that I cannot control. (I stress out a lot about uncontrollable things...!)

From those statements above, I can conclude that: I worry a lot and as a result, get stressed often. For. No.Good. Reason.At.All. It's all in my head...I'm a bit neurotic, no? After 23 years, I still haven't grasped the concept of "Don't worry, be happy!" When I do momentarily get out of this mindset, it creeps back up on me. I'm what you call an obsessive worrier, or in positive terms, I've mastered the Art of Worrying.

When I'm calm and not stressed--I feel like something's wrong because I'm not stressed. Is this symptomatic of a work-a-holic? Or quite possibly a worry-holic? Like my mother, I fuss over the smallest things and just get really frustrated when things don't happen the way I'd like them to happen. I'm realizing that's something I must get use to because hey, that's life. The unexpected is all part of the mysteries of life. And you may not find out why things happen the way they do or the lessons you ought to learn from them until days, weeks, months or even years later. And this is where the magic ingredient of patience comes in. Being patient with life's twists and turns can help you understand the lessons and see the bigger picture.

So yes, I'm a worry-holic, but that's probably because I'm so impatient to see how my life will turn out. I'm starting to think that patience is the remedy for all this worrying.

Do it.

Motivation to keep me going because it seems like I want to give up every day. 

Little Talks

Do you ever have those little pep talks with yourself? "You can do it if you put your mind to it!" or "Don't worry about what others think, just do it for yourself. Don't be afraid to stand out!"

I have them whenever I feel insecure, out of place...or whenever I feel like giving up on a tough project. I mostly do it to drown out the negative thoughts that overwhelm me. I find that whenever I get into a place of negativity, the negative vibes somehow find a way to manifest itself. And I definitely do not want that. So while these little pep talks sound absurd as I'm writing them down...they're helpful. They remind me to stand my own ground.

I was put to the test last night at an opening launch party for this woman's clothing brand. I was there to help film/take photos of the launch event on behalf of my organization. This brand is fairly high-end and provides tailored suits, pants, dresses, and jackets for women. There were some beautiful, vintage-like clothes that I really admired. The woman who launched this company used to be a stylist at Vogue--and she herself was very elegant, beautiful and sophisticated. She looked like Kate Middleton, but with softer features and freckles sprinkled over her cheeks and across her nose. One day in the future when I'm an accomplished businesswoman, I'd love to have her design a dress for me.

For now, all I could do is awkward stand around, taking photos of the waspy clientele that attended her opening launch party. I was probably younger than everyone in the room by at least 5 years (when you're in your 20s, a five year difference is still quite a bit. Think about it--in 5 years, I'll be 28!!). One woman even asked what I was doing at the event, probably because of the DSLR camera hanging off my neck--but the way in which she said it was very condescending and it bothered me quite a bit. So what's going on in my mind? What am I doing here? How do I represent myself as a professional, on behalf of The Story Exchange? I'm a nobody!!!! Well, this self-defeating talk was making me want to crawl in a corner and hide. I had to stand my ground--and so I gave myself a little pep talk. And every time I heard the old voice telling me that I didn't belong and just holding me back, I'd tune it out. I even gave myself a challenge of meeting 3 new people in the room (which I did)! But at the end of the night, it was a good challenge for me because it forced me to network and get to know a few new people. I needed to step out of my shell. And of course, I did what I do best, ask others questions. In this kind of environment, when I feel like the tiny ant in a room full of bears, it's hard for me to feel worthy (probably self-esteem issues) so I need an extra pep in my little talks to muster up the courage to approach someone and start a conversation.

While most people enjoy talking about themselves, I prefer asking questions. And someone once said to me, "You like asking questions because you like being in control." Well, that may be partially true. But mostly, I'm curious as to how others see the world and live this thing we all call life. I love asking questions--everything from phrasing to assessing how people answer it. I even ask myself the question to see how I'd answer it. For me, it's all about learning about others and myself.

Anyway, this topic is on my mind because of this song I've been playing on repeat called Little Talks by Of Monsters & Men. Great song, I'd recommend it.

Some days I feel like I am wrong and I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear

Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore

beginnings and endings.

When I first saw this photo, I thought, "This is so me."

Perhaps before I discuss finishing things, I'd like to have a conversation about beginnings.

Beginnings are my favorite part of the project. I LOVE to start things. That sensation of starting something new, being able to mold it any which way and actually having a say in the foundation of its creation. Writing those first concrete words down. Or learning those first steps in a dance. I think with confidence, "I'm going to do this!" (and then in parenthesis I think I hope I finish.)

Going to a new school. The start of a new semester. The feeling of "I'm not so sure what I'm getting myself into." The beginning of a new relationship with a project, or even with a somebody (who could be) special. Beginnings are the best because the idealized version will always be the best version.

Beginnings are also my favorite part in life because there's all that hope, anticipation to see how things will turn out and where it will lead you.

But just as sure there is a beginning, there is always an end. Endings are good too but they don't have the same thrilling sensation as beginnings have. Endings mean transitions and closings. Maybe that's why I have trouble finishing projects--I have trouble with closure and leaving--so why finish at all? I guess the biggest thing I have to accept is that in order to move on, I must finish one chapter, tie up all the loose ends (if possible) and embrace myself for a new beginning. And that's something I can look forward to.