Scaffolding

Masons, when they start upon a building,
Are careful to test out the scaffolding;

Make sure that planks won’t slip at busy points,
Secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.

And yet all this comes down when the job’s done
Showing off walls of sure and solid stone.

So if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
Old bridges breaking between you and me

Never fear. We may let the scaffolds fall
Confident that we have built our wall.

- Seamus Heaney

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This poem was on the subway as part of the "Poetry In Motion" campaign that the MTA launched a few years ago. When I first read it, I loved it--it was such a great metaphor about building strong relationships. It reminded me of some friendships in college...I thought we'd built solid scaffolding but when the scaffolding went down, so did the building, unfortunately. I still think about these people and all the great memories we had, especially during my sophomore year. I've learned a lot through the destruction and in some ways, it's made me wiser in choosing friends.

Overhearing Candidates Interviewing for Your Position

...is a lot harder than I realized. Especially when I am choosing to be unemployed.

Today is the first day of interviews in my office. The job posting went up last Friday and since then 80 people have applied. Of the 80, 8 made it to the interviews. All women. Tough job market.

I am not involved in this process at all...for some reason, I thought I would have some sort of role in hiring the next person...naive of me to think. I guess it's all part of the spotlight effect where I think everything is all about me, haha.

It's just interesting to reflect on my process of how I got hired...I was first an intern and by the end of the second month, I was offered a job. I wasn't sure if I should take it but I took it anyway because it was career advancing. A year and a half later, I'm leaving. In this time period, I've learned a lot about social media and communications, most of which I have never really articulated because it's just become so automatic. I wonder how this will translate in my next position. I've also learned a lot about myself and what an initiator I am...but not so good with the results analysis (the one aspect I've avoided was analyzing the social media metrics, which is something that I should have spent more time on, but I really get intimidated by data.) I've contributed a lot to the development of the site and the blog. I've gone to numerous talks and workshops and connected with women entrepreneurs one-on-one. I did my first multi-media segment with Claudia Chan! There is a lot I have to be proud of, yet I have never really celebrated my successes and continued to focus on my shortcomings. This is sadly, my approach in life.

Moving forward, as I apply for new jobs and work in a new position, I will be more mindful of my accomplishments and keep track of them because it's important to track my own personal growth. And it's important to celebrate them. This isn't like school anymore where I get a report card or a grade. I am in charge of assessing myself, and that is no easy task.

So, yes, it's been hard listening to these candidates interviewing for my position, which, in some ways, I took for granted (so many hours lost on browsing the internet...because it was my job?) and I am really excited for this organization to get a breath of fresh air and some social media expertise. There's a voice that also says, "I hope they don't hire somebody better than me," but that's a selfish way of thinking because I really do wish the best for them. I've done all that I could and it's time for me to move on--there's no point in berating myself on what I could have done.

I know this was the right decision to make because even though I don't have a job secured, I'm not afraid or worried, which is the most surprising thing, considering I'm an excessive worrier. Maybe I'm just being blissfully ignorant about how hard it is to find a job (average unemployment period is 9 months in the U.S.) but even this is not deterring. I have faith that I will be able to find my way, whether it is a job in international education or starting something on my own.

It's Quitting Time...

This is one of the toughest decisions I have to make--quitting my first real job. So when I finally took the leap and made that decision Friday--I didn’t anticipate all the unintended consequences...I mean how could I? 

I thought the toughest part was to tell my boss in NY, S, about my decision, but that was a piece of cake compared to my boss in Boston, V’s reaction to my resignation. I realized it was because V was much more attached to me than S, which makes it all the more difficult--and in some ways I believe she took it to be personal. S has dealt with many freelancers and Production Assistants in her lifetime to be more emotionally removed from it. I actually really appreciated her reaction now looking back. V challenged my commitment and professionalism (she called me unprofessional because I shocked and blind-sighted her with the news). She said, “In my day, if I were responsible for a project, I like to see it all the way through...I guess that’s not how it is with you young folks” and phrased my decision as  “just making a quick decision and going for it.” It was very painful to have her question my professional integrity. I hear her words ringing in my head. As sympathetic as she tried to be, I could clearly sense her disappointment, as if this one decision that I made undermined all the work I’ve done, all the commitment I’ve given to the organization. Honestly, this conversation made me feel like shit...as if I made the wrong decision to stand up for myself and my life. But I know I made the right decision to leave. I've given my 3 weeks' notice. I promised to get my project done on time and will work overtime to complete it. And after that--I'm leaving. It's not anything against the organization and I didn’t expect that it would mean a fallout and sharp criticism from my favorite boss...who I thought would be the most understanding. 

Honestly--if she wanted me to stay--how about better pay? Health care coverage? Or a 501K? With my meager earnings, I could not afford to take a job like this if I didn’t live with my parents. I have to look out for myself and cannot be so self-sacrificing. How is it justified? It’s not. The amount of skills I’m learning here no longer matches the compensation. And all that stuff didn’t even matter to me untill this year when I started having more open conversations with friends about career, money and planning for the future. Even if they offered me all of this, I would still resign--I am committed to searching for fulfilling work. It exists and I must continue on my journey to finding it.  

Trial Day at STARTUPA

For the past year, I've been wanting to work at a startup. Startups are so cool. Startups are so hip and innovative. There are so many perks--free lunch, gym memberships, fun swag and I'd be working in a young work environment. I had idealized the situation, obviously. And sure, there are startups in which that description is true (Warby Parker), but for the majority of the struggling startups out there, they are focusing hard on building their company--and while they may come with some perks (namely free lunch) it also comes with sacrifices (smaller office space and using your own laptop for work). I mean I guess I understood that but today at my "trial day" at STARTUPA, I really was able to witness the inner workings of the startup environment. I was in a deep observation mode--comparing it to The Story Exchange and my role there. My conclusion at the end of my 5 hour trial day: I actually like working at TSE better.

Wow.

I never thought that I would come to that conclusion, but I have. I actually have much more ownership and input in my role at TSE. At STARTUPA, I was just going to be a customer service rep, helping customers book services over the phone, troubleshoot with the providers and organizing appointments. While I would be gaining very useful skills in that position, that's not where I'd like to invest my time in right now.

My whole mentality during this interview process with STARTUPA has been, "I hope they like me" but now I realize how wrong that mindset is. It should be, "I hope we're a great fit" because I have to enjoy working in this environment too. My gut instinct already told me that this wasn't going to be the job for me but I continued to follow through with it because I convinced myself that it could be a good fit. (I won't lie, I was also lured by the prospect of getting a higher salary too.) But after my time today, I realize how much more work I must put into my job search to find a suitable transition. It just wasn't a good fit at STARTUPA. Being at STARTUPA just showed me an alternate reality where I worked at a startup, answering calls all day and attending to customers' needs. That's really exhausting and not the line of work I'm interested in.

I have gained such a different perspective about my time at TSE now from this one trial day at TSE. I realize how valuable my work and time is. I realize that in many ways, TSE is more similar to a startup than I thought. I am held directly accountable for many facets of the organization and report directly to my bosses, Sue and Victoria, just as I would be at any startup. The difference is simply in the work environment and mentality.

I am so grateful for the job, liberties and responsibilities that I have now. I haven't been able to enjoy my job at TSE because I internalized a lot of what others told me--I should be making more money, I should be doing X and Y to build my resume...and while that may be true, I could have been enjoying my time there more had I not worried about all these other judgments.

Working at TSE has been a great entry level job to launch my career. And now I'm even more fueled to find a better job transition. Honestly, it was only through this trial day experience that I was able to recognize how much I've learned in my time at TSE.

Living Life with Integrity

"The definition of integrity is where your thoughts, your feelings and your actions are aligned."

Lately, I've been thinking about this quotation often and what it means to live life with integrity. Whenever I remember to take a pause in the day, I simply ask myself, how am I feeling? What am I thinking about? And are my actions reflecting how I feel and what I think?

More often than not, I find myself either betraying my feelings, my thoughts or my actions. This is when I realized how often I'm not living with integrity because my perception of integrity was always in service of others. I valued being honest with others above being honest with myself. I spoke the truth that I knew others would want to hear. I did things for others and not myself. I have lived my life not for myself, but rather, to please other people. While I haven't lived my entire life pleasing others (my parents can attest to that), I operate on a level that is detrimental to myself--which has always been: first considering others, then basing my decisions on the others' needs. Very rarely do I assert myself. But as I am navigating this adult world, I realize how often people put themselves first. This gets me thinking, why can others do that and not me? It just feeds into my habit of being self-sacrificing. I must consider, what do I want and how I will get there.

For the longest time, I've had a very free-flowing attitude towards my career. I think, "I'll just stumble upon this career path and I'll just simply know." This kind of naivete will get me nowhere because career transitions are not only difficult, but they also waste time. I've already spent 5 months too long in my current job. I've yet to transition because I don't know where to go. I'm not interested in simply looking for a new job because a) I want to work in a better growth-oriented environment b) I want to get paid better c) I want to enjoy life as a young twenty-something professional in NYC. I am looking at the bigger picture, how will my next job strategically lead me to where I want to be 10 years from now?

So I'm committing to living my life with integrity to myself. Honoring my feelings, thoughts and actions will be the greatest act of self-love I can do.

That means that I must dedicate time to myself every day to a) doing a morning practice that sets the pace for my day b) checking-in with myself and, c) journaling.

With any luck, 10 years from now, I will be living my life full of integrity instead of self-betrayal and resentment. Even as a 23-year-old, I am tired of putting myself second. I don't want to be so resentful of my decisions any more. At the same time, it is SO MUCH easier for me to put myself second. I'm not used to asking myself, "what do I want?" and asserting those needs. I must challenge myself to do this daily, so that one day, it won't be so hard to put myself first.

Friendships

In 2012, I lost a lot of friends. And by that, what I really mean is that most of my closest friends were abroad and I was stuck in tiny New York City, living the same life I had when I was 17 (under my parent's roof). I was in and out of ruts and constantly asking myself, "what am I going to do with my life?" It was a year of tremendous solitude as well as hyper social activity. I found myself going to multiple networking events after work and completely alone (by choice) on weekends. More than ever before, I cherished my alone time and fiercely guarded it. 2012 was the first year that I'd actually cultivated a friendship with myself. I witnessed how I was really my own worst critic and kept pushing myself to "be more." Somehow, I'd developed this mentality that the grass was always greener on the other side. "My best friend is in Uganda working with women in local communities--I should be doing that!" or "I should just go volunteer in Brazil...I can make it work and live with Brenna!" I've toyed with too many ideas to even keep track of. 


Because my closest friends were all so far away (and living their own lives), I started reflecting a lot by myself and have come to understand some deeply rooted issues about myself. Last January, I was at the nadir of my life...working in retail, interning and didn't even have an ounce of social life. I just remember a lot of nights in front of the TV wishing I could be somebody else. Sometimes you have to hit those low points to appreciate the progress when you're out from under. A year later, I am working full-time at a job that I enjoy, with a healthy social life and even a bud of a romantic life. I do interesting things by myself and love that I feel good about my self-worth. It has been a good year of self-growth. 

Perhaps the saddest part of 2012 was the drift away from one of my best friends who was (still is) in a phase that I can't help him through. He was my go-to man for everything and unfortunately, for what he's going through, I can't reciprocate. I know that I really gave it my best and that's all I can do for somebody who does not want my help. The biggest takeaway from that situation is that even if I had the best intentions to help, I can't change anyone who does not want my help. For him deception is easy and I just can't handle the compounding lies. What's real any more? All I can do is let him know I'm here and work on forgiving his past actions. 

And my relationship with this aforementioned friend is why I started to think about friendships in the first place, with not only myself, but also with others. Friends are a reflection of you to a certain extent. We surround ourselves with likeminded people and those whom I consider as my closest and best friends ought to have similiar beliefs and values. (I'm not implying that we all have to agree on everything all the time.) But it makes you wonder when one friendship has gone so awry, how does it make you feel about the kind of friend you are to your other friends? 

What I've realized about friendship is that they change and the nature of the friendship changes as people continue to grow and move on. What makes a friendship so special is when two people can still grow together to find synchronicity in each other's lives. In that kind of friendship, no matter how far away or how long you haven't spoken, when you reunite, it feels as if nothing has changed. At the core, you know one another and are willing to accept each other wholly, even for the mistakes. That's what a beautiful friendship feels like. And I am so blessed to have such supportive friends who value me even more than I value myself at times. 

The Role of the Caretaker

Lisa, one of my best friends from high school made an insightful observation about me and the role I play in my friendships. I’m constantly the caretaker in many of the good friendships that I have. I’m always making sure that I’m taking caring of them in some way. Usually, it’s just listening and helping them sort out problems and offering advice. And really, that’s what everyone needs. I do it so often that I forget that I too, need somebody like that in my life. Everyone wants to be heard and when they need to talk, my phone is ringing. I’m surprised—still in this day and age, I talk on the phone for several hours a week. When I did a brief informal survey earlier this year, I simply asked people, “how often do you have conversations on the phone?”  The most common answer was once a week, at the most. Everyone texts now. I would say I'm on the phone 3-4 times a week. But now that I have a smartphone, I’ve become a texter. (oops)

I enjoy listening because I see it as a learning opportunity to hear the problem and help find a solution. And I also enjoy asking questions. It’s a good way for me to understand the person and it also helps the speaker explain the situation. For my own fun, I challenge myself to think of really good questions—and those questions are the ones that help give way to the solutions/realizations.

I think one of the biggest reasons why I’ve become so frustrated in one of my closest friendships is because I’m not getting a chance to be heard or the opportunity to fully express myself. He shuts me down, doesn’t respond and is not a good communicator. I wonder to myself, how can somebody be so close to me and not yet understand how I think? Maybe he never really knew me so well in the first place because he’s not mature enough to know that friendships are about people, not material things.

Another point I wanted to make is that since I’m always taking care of other people, I don’t give others the chance to help me grow and better understand myself. I'm so used to being reflective and self-observant that I can be blind-sighted to other tendencies. When it comes to self-growth, I’m the first one to write the letter to myself and brace myself for the “breakthrough realization” but it is usually self-induced, not provided through constructive criticism. I really do try hard to improve myself because I am my own worst critic. I have so many self-improvement projects going on, it’s overwhelming. This is where a lot of my self-imposed stress comes from. I am so hell-bent on being the best version of me possible—this includes, but is not limited to: having a successful career, being healthy and fit, doing service work, managing my dreams and expectations of myself and having an active social life. I’m striving for this mirage of perfection that will always be a mirage. And I honestly never realized I was striving for perfection till this year. The idea of perfection is different for everyone and this was the year I figured out my definition of perfection. It is: I am a  healthy and fit woman, who is diligently working for a nonprofit, who goes to social events after work and volunteers on the weekend. She works out at the gym every day before work. At her job, she's the go-to gal for outreach and is bringing in all the good stories. In the social scene, she's the one that brings people together and plans the best mixers to blend in all the right people. On the weekends, she is either volunteering or going for hikes in upstate New York. This all sounds so attainable, but it's not, due to various constraints. It's mostly a lifestyle issue. I'll still work towards this goal and I understand that it doesn't have to happen all at once. 

While I really do enjoy helping my friends, I need to find a balance of listening and talking more. It’s okay for me to be selfish. And it’s okay for me to say “no, I can’t handle your emotional drama. ” For the first time, I have to put me first.