Friendships

In 2012, I lost a lot of friends. And by that, what I really mean is that most of my closest friends were abroad and I was stuck in tiny New York City, living the same life I had when I was 17 (under my parent's roof). I was in and out of ruts and constantly asking myself, "what am I going to do with my life?" It was a year of tremendous solitude as well as hyper social activity. I found myself going to multiple networking events after work and completely alone (by choice) on weekends. More than ever before, I cherished my alone time and fiercely guarded it. 2012 was the first year that I'd actually cultivated a friendship with myself. I witnessed how I was really my own worst critic and kept pushing myself to "be more." Somehow, I'd developed this mentality that the grass was always greener on the other side. "My best friend is in Uganda working with women in local communities--I should be doing that!" or "I should just go volunteer in Brazil...I can make it work and live with Brenna!" I've toyed with too many ideas to even keep track of. 


Because my closest friends were all so far away (and living their own lives), I started reflecting a lot by myself and have come to understand some deeply rooted issues about myself. Last January, I was at the nadir of my life...working in retail, interning and didn't even have an ounce of social life. I just remember a lot of nights in front of the TV wishing I could be somebody else. Sometimes you have to hit those low points to appreciate the progress when you're out from under. A year later, I am working full-time at a job that I enjoy, with a healthy social life and even a bud of a romantic life. I do interesting things by myself and love that I feel good about my self-worth. It has been a good year of self-growth. 

Perhaps the saddest part of 2012 was the drift away from one of my best friends who was (still is) in a phase that I can't help him through. He was my go-to man for everything and unfortunately, for what he's going through, I can't reciprocate. I know that I really gave it my best and that's all I can do for somebody who does not want my help. The biggest takeaway from that situation is that even if I had the best intentions to help, I can't change anyone who does not want my help. For him deception is easy and I just can't handle the compounding lies. What's real any more? All I can do is let him know I'm here and work on forgiving his past actions. 

And my relationship with this aforementioned friend is why I started to think about friendships in the first place, with not only myself, but also with others. Friends are a reflection of you to a certain extent. We surround ourselves with likeminded people and those whom I consider as my closest and best friends ought to have similiar beliefs and values. (I'm not implying that we all have to agree on everything all the time.) But it makes you wonder when one friendship has gone so awry, how does it make you feel about the kind of friend you are to your other friends? 

What I've realized about friendship is that they change and the nature of the friendship changes as people continue to grow and move on. What makes a friendship so special is when two people can still grow together to find synchronicity in each other's lives. In that kind of friendship, no matter how far away or how long you haven't spoken, when you reunite, it feels as if nothing has changed. At the core, you know one another and are willing to accept each other wholly, even for the mistakes. That's what a beautiful friendship feels like. And I am so blessed to have such supportive friends who value me even more than I value myself at times.