I was on my way to the Shopping Iguatemi to do some grocery shopping when I decided to make a detour and stop in the library lab to write, reflect and perhaps even feel better. This week has been hard. It is reminiscent of my first week here...lonely, tiring and disorganized. I could have gone to Curitiba with Patriki and all of the students that live in his building, but I decided against that because I just wasnt in the mood to travel. I could have also gone to Foz de Iguaçu with Fishman and other foreigners but what's the point when I'll be going in October with Lilian and besides midd will be paying for it...
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I really don't understand myself. I want to go out, meet new people and have fun but it feels like something is inhibiting me from doing this. I want to make more brazilian friends and improve my portuguese. I want to be happy. But somehow this week, all I want to do is listen to American music, watch the Simpsons and read. I feel so anti-social. I feel so incapable of making new friends. I feel so bitter about it all. I miss my friends. I miss my family. and geezus christ, I am holding back tears as I'm typing this...so pathetic. I don't know why I am having such a hard time. I'm so tired of reaching out to people and not receiving anything back. I just want somebody to ask me if I'm okay and to see how I'm doing. I'm kind of sad...(I think my host mom suspects this...as I was leaving the house she asked me if I was okay and had a worried look on her face...but who knows?) I don't get sad very easily, which is why I don't know how to deal with this right now...besides writing.
Yesterday I went for a jog, hoping that it was just the lack of exercise that was effin' up my body, but I only ended up with a swollen foot...I really have no idea why. I felt good during the jog and so afterwards, I attempted to hang out last night with Sarah and some friends of hers, but that just didnt work out.
Okay, I never really broadcast my feelings like this, so I'm just going to submit this post before I change my mind.
the twentysomething year old
- mosaicpieces
- New York, NY, United States
- What makes life so interesting are the risks you take and the people you meet. I've lived the majority of my life fearing the consequences of risks. Well, that's what the twenties are for! I am going to write about my trials and tribulations of being a twentysomething year old in this big world, trying to figure it all out. It's going to be a topsy turvy ride, but that's what being in your twenties is all about.
Awuhhhh christina…I wish I was there with you right now eating icecream and watching American tv shows.. it’s tiring being social all the time and always trying to be friendly and make friends. Maybe your body just needs a break for a while – your post made me remember how I felt all of last week, I was really unsocial and told my friends I had essays as excuses to not go out with them when I totally didn’t actually have homework..but seriously, don’t let yourself believe that you’re incapable of making friends – you’re one of the friendliest people I know, and I’m sure that once you feel better, your natural friendliness will start to shine again and the Brazilians will love you. If you wanna talk, I’ll be on skype most of tomorrow…btw we should set up skype dates for the five of us..soon. love and miss you!!!
ReplyDeleteL
I totally agree and second Lauren's post up there. That is how I was feeling yesterday and I understand what you mean. I really hope that you're okay and feeling better. I wish that I could call you up or give you a hug or just be sitting next to you on some bench or couch not even saying a word, just knowing that you're by my side would be more than enough. I know you'll be back to your happy-go-lucky self in no-time and yes, all the Brazilians will love you...gotta show them some love too! ;)
ReplyDeleteI love you.
Going on exchange and living abroad is supposed to be hard! Don't worry, what you're feeling happens to all of us, we all have bad days, and even though you might think that some people don't get homesick or feel anti-social, they do! Hang in there, things will start to get better and easier, guaranteed. Let's go out for drinks this week! :)
ReplyDeleteBeijosss!