Today I realized that if I keep doing what I’m doing, I’m not going to end up where I want to be in life.
And that's disappointing.
I keep thinking, even though I don't love my job, it'll be the platform that I can leverage to get where I want to be. But I have to work on figuring out my end point--as in, where do I want to be 10 years from now? Even if I could just decide where I want to be 5 years from now, that would be enough to keep me focused. This is something I should think about often (which I do...it actually consumes my mind), but not only simply think about it, but actually take action. If I want to be an expert on Brazil and U.S. bilateral relations, it's not going to happen overnight, I must read the news and articles daily. It's a habit I must develop. It's a lifestyle I have to adopt. The question is, what are the habits that I want to incorporate into my life? Which are the ones I am committed to practicing daily?
For me, these are hard things to pinpoint because I'm in this stage of my life where I feel like I'm getting to know myself for the very first time. I've been working on being assertive and figuring out what it is I like and don't like. What do I think about certain social and political issues? What really steams my buns? And what really makes me smile and happy. I'm like a baby discovering her own body for the first time.
I'm the kind of person that allows life to take its course. If it's meant to be, it'll happen. And sometimes, I do feel behind in my peers who may have already received their Master's degrees or have taken their GMATs or GREs. But I'm going down my own route...and I'm really excited to see where it takes me. Of course, I still work actively to make things happen, but not everything goes accordingly 100 percent of the time (re: State Department job, Maine job, PiLA and a whole slew of other opportunities that I didn't get). I get rejected. I don't get job offers. And it's not the end of the world. There are days where I feel extreme pressure to achieve--whether it be get a well-paying job and earn that fancy title or doing service work in developing countries to service marginalized communities. I need to appreciate my time now. It's like I'm my own personal detective and the world is my investigation site; follow the signs, stay strong and carry on.
The thing to remember is, as a wise friend told me (L Redfield!), in life, you can't stay complacent. Once you're complacent, you're settling and no longer striving for more. You know that song that goes, "I'm sexy and I know it," this is how I change the lyrics in my head, "I'm ambitious and I know it." I'm not a sexy person, but I'm indeed ambitious as hell, just like my dad.
This is my "take action" quotation:
Small changes repeated often become habits. Change your habits, change your life. Start small, don’t give up, & be the difference.
It’s good to set up goals (and concrete ones! Like, “by this time next year, I will be …in a different organization/in Brazil/living on my own/fill in blanks...”), and sometimes short term goals are easier than long-term goals, especially at our age when we’re still trying new things and figuring out what we like. I don’t think I could tell you where I want to be 10 years from now, or even 5 years from now (except maybe with a doctorate? Still so vague!). Also, long-term goals are hard to make, because life really does carry us most of the way. Most of the struggle, for me at least, is acknowledging that I can’t control my life and letting myself focus more on the output than the outcome – applying to many things I’m interested in and seeing where doors open up. Eventually something will surface. Also – sometimes chasing your dreams around the world isn’t as glamorous as it seems (latest blog rant).
ReplyDeleteThe most important thing is to enjoy the whole process of the journey!
And you’re sexy! Very much so. But the fact that you don’t acknowledge it is half the appeal hahaha.