I have them whenever I feel insecure, out of place...or whenever I feel like giving up on a tough project. I mostly do it to drown out the negative thoughts that overwhelm me. I find that whenever I get into a place of negativity, the negative vibes somehow find a way to manifest itself. And I definitely do not want that. So while these little pep talks sound absurd as I'm writing them down...they're helpful. They remind me to stand my own ground.
I was put to the test last night at an opening launch party for this woman's clothing brand. I was there to help film/take photos of the launch event on behalf of my organization. This brand is fairly high-end and provides tailored suits, pants, dresses, and jackets for women. There were some beautiful, vintage-like clothes that I really admired. The woman who launched this company used to be a stylist at Vogue--and she herself was very elegant, beautiful and sophisticated. She looked like Kate Middleton, but with softer features and freckles sprinkled over her cheeks and across her nose. One day in the future when I'm an accomplished businesswoman, I'd love to have her design a dress for me.
For now, all I could do is awkward stand around, taking photos of the waspy clientele that attended her opening launch party. I was probably younger than everyone in the room by at least 5 years (when you're in your 20s, a five year difference is still quite a bit. Think about it--in 5 years, I'll be 28!!). One woman even asked what I was doing at the event, probably because of the DSLR camera hanging off my neck--but the way in which she said it was very condescending and it bothered me quite a bit. So what's going on in my mind? What am I doing here? How do I represent myself as a professional, on behalf of The Story Exchange? I'm a nobody!!!! Well, this self-defeating talk was making me want to crawl in a corner and hide. I had to stand my ground--and so I gave myself a little pep talk. And every time I heard the old voice telling me that I didn't belong and just holding me back, I'd tune it out. I even gave myself a challenge of meeting 3 new people in the room (which I did)! But at the end of the night, it was a good challenge for me because it forced me to network and get to know a few new people. I needed to step out of my shell. And of course, I did what I do best, ask others questions. In this kind of environment, when I feel like the tiny ant in a room full of bears, it's hard for me to feel worthy (probably self-esteem issues) so I need an extra pep in my little talks to muster up the courage to approach someone and start a conversation.
While most people enjoy talking about themselves, I prefer asking questions. And someone once said to me, "You like asking questions because you like being in control." Well, that may be partially true. But mostly, I'm curious as to how others see the world and live this thing we all call life. I love asking questions--everything from phrasing to assessing how people answer it. I even ask myself the question to see how I'd answer it. For me, it's all about learning about others and myself.
Anyway, this topic is on my mind because of this song I've been playing on repeat called Little Talks by Of Monsters & Men. Great song, I'd recommend it.
Some days I feel like I am wrong and I am right
Your mind is playing tricks on you my dear
Because though the truth may vary
This ship will carry
Our bodies safe to shore
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