I thought the toughest part was to tell my boss in NY, S, about my decision, but that was a piece of cake compared to my boss in Boston, V’s reaction to my resignation. I realized it was because V was much more attached to me than S, which makes it all the more difficult--and in some ways I believe she took it to be personal. S has dealt with many freelancers and Production Assistants in her lifetime to be more emotionally removed from it. I actually really appreciated her reaction now looking back. V challenged my commitment and professionalism (she called me unprofessional because I shocked and blind-sighted her with the news). She said, “In my day, if I were responsible for a project, I like to see it all the way through...I guess that’s not how it is with you young folks” and phrased my decision as “just making a quick decision and going for it.” It was very painful to have her question my professional integrity. I hear her words ringing in my head. As sympathetic as she tried to be, I could clearly sense her disappointment, as if this one decision that I made undermined all the work I’ve done, all the commitment I’ve given to the organization. Honestly, this conversation made me feel like shit...as if I made the wrong decision to stand up for myself and my life. But I know I made the right decision to leave. I've given my 3 weeks' notice. I promised to get my project done on time and will work overtime to complete it. And after that--I'm leaving. It's not anything against the organization and I didn’t expect that it would mean a fallout and sharp criticism from my favorite boss...who I thought would be the most understanding.
Honestly--if she wanted me to stay--how about better pay? Health care coverage? Or a 501K? With my meager earnings, I could not afford to take a job like this if I didn’t live with my parents. I have to look out for myself and cannot be so self-sacrificing. How is it justified? It’s not. The amount of skills I’m learning here no longer matches the compensation. And all that stuff didn’t even matter to me untill this year when I started having more open conversations with friends about career, money and planning for the future. Even if they offered me all of this, I would still resign--I am committed to searching for fulfilling work. It exists and I must continue on my journey to finding it.
Hmmmm yes, I definitely agree, as a manager there were more persuasive ways of trying to get you to stay than attacks on your professionalism. Actually, the fact that she wasn't supportive of you and your own professional development is probably a sign that it's time to leave. You shouldn't feel bad, especially after all the energy and work you've put in there, and you've known for a while that you want to move on. So have you told your parents yet? Any leads on what the next steps might be?
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment, Lauren!
DeleteI still haven't told my parents yet but this will be something I will tell them in the next week or so, when the details of my job departure date is confirmed.
Big life changes! I'm excited!